Small Gesture, Massive Impact

Can't help but to feel pretty depressed at work recently.
I am not too sure if it is because of unexpected betrayals, position insecurities, or that my beloved interns who are the purest of creatures have departed.

Honestly, caring too much is the bane of my soul.
If I would not have bothered, I wouldn't have this extent of worries.

But if I have not bothered, then it wouldn't be me.

I'd say my job sucks, but most people had begged to differ.
Though the pay is bad, I've got a boss with a heart of gold, and a cool job.

That aside, I recalled that moment after an intern's farewell dinner.
My boss was so emotional about her apparent end of destiny with the intern that she broke into tears.
The intern was so moved by it that she was fighting her tears too.

I who had spent an infinite amount more time with this intern was more than just tears.
All I could do is to laugh at my boss, and told her she was silly because we could all meet with her.
That was my assurance to myself to not feel sad.

I think feeling sad about farewells is taboo.

I consider her a friend, and probably my best friend for the past 4 months or so.
So I assumed, there was no farewell in my opinion.

My fate with the company will seemingly end in a couple of months time too, and I am no different from her.

It's 2 weeks since her farewell, and there is no explanation to my moodiness at work.
Today my 2 fellow young colleagues were down with MCs because of my potent virus I spread at work yesterday, so I took a long brood while they weren't around.

I concluded, it is most probably, mainly because I miss the interns. Especially the latter.

There is a lot of times I wished that I had her around to listen to my woes, my crap, and my bitching.
I felt like I don't really have anyone equal to her extent that I could share with.
Well I've got an awesome boyfriend but office politics is not something he could understand very well.

Her presence at work has given me hope that not everyone has a secret agenda, be it a good one or bad one. But without her, I feel like it is me against the world, although in reality it is not the case.

But yet again I am not too sure if the intimacy was an illusion at work, or is it real.
I find it difficult to accept I will not get to see her at least 71% of the week, and I find it inappropriate to expect her to meet my emotional demands.

Yesterday I got to meet her, and I was bursting at my seams.
I shared with her mortal woes that she is blessed to not be a part of anymore, and I appreciate that she still cares. But I really don't have anyone else.

I was almost too gay and when we had to go home, I can't help to be overwhelmed with sadness at the reality that I need to get over this attachment.

Maybe that was why my boss cried.
Maybe it's time I stop with holding it.

Today I stayed behind at work and alone in the cold office, I reminisced about those times, and how great it'll be if she was still around.

I have helped hired so many new people in the office, but I feel that there is nobody who'll understand me like her. No one's gonna have taste so smiliar with me than her.

Sometimes I want to pour out my feelings like most girls do.
But I don't really know how to do those things without girls thinking I am totally lesbo about them.

So I sigh everyday and read that last note she left me to fight at work.

***

I took a cab home today and the taxi uncle probably felt my dark aura.
Just like what she has always commented, that I have affinity with the folks.
Taxi uncle asked me if I know Andy Lau, and of course I do.
He told me that he is the Singaporean Andy Lau.
He then played the theme song of a popular Taiwan drama,
and sang for me.

He sang a total of 4 songs while talking about old times on the journey.
It was probably something he does everyday, but it really made my day.
I was laughing and crying throughout the whole journey.

He saw it, but didn't ask. 

My sister has always warned me of my emotional dependance on others.
Sometimes I think it is blissful to be able to be dependant so I didn't care.
But maybe I should learn to not get so attached,
or learn to let go.

Nevertheless, the fare was definitely well worth it.


*sigh*