'cos I'm fAWESOME

cynnedcynner.tumblr.com

2011-12-14T16:12:00.001+08:00

www.cynnedcynner.tumblr.com

heylo, i have moved to tumblr for now.

See you there!

Transitions...

2011-12-05T19:58:00.001+08:00

Hmm, though I am quite the loyal person, and I really love google and their other sectors...
They didn't make their Blogger android app available to my country, so I guess I'll hop over to Tumblr for now...
I will try my best to not write so fucking much in a post haha.

I think there is no one reading here, but in case you still do, you can continue to do so at
cynnedcynner.tumblr.com :)

(I can't decide between tumblr or wordpress, so see how for now)

okies see you!

Lament.

2011-11-03T23:33:00.002+08:00

It is strange how as a kid it looked so cool to be an adult.
I wanted it so bad and they had it all.
Now I am entering the realm and all I can do is to lament about my loss of innocence.

I feel like an orphan that had been robbed of its childhood and forced to be a pseudo-parent to the rest of the other siblings under its wing.

I used to like to say the coolest things to give adults the illusion that I was an adult in a kid's body.
Turns out that I have only just understood the stuff I loved to say. Not so cool any more.

Looking up at my elder sister, my cousins and relatives, I thought that the way to life comes right to you as an adult. I thought they had an adult's handbook or something.

Something that as a kid I wasn't allowed to read.

It didn't seem to arrive any time soon for me. At least not a physical copy.
I thought they had it all.

But it seems that even the ones I admire most are unsure of themselves, and their lives.
and sis says it is ok to be lost, as long as I am constantly trying to find my way.

But even as I am trying to find my own way...I had to pick up lost mates along the way.
Ironically, on my way, I manage to help them find theirs.

Some how I just can't find mine. I trip and I fall pretty often, too much by my standards.
Some times I feel it might be easy to just lay down, forever.
Maybe I just need some crutches. Or maybe I am handicapping myself.
Maybe I am stronger.

Every day is like walking on a road as thin and flimsy like a thread...
A long thread that threatens to snap if I lose the balance.

And right below me there are tons of alligators and snakes.
Yet all my dependants are on my shoulders.

The path looks really bleak,
Dims on me with every step...
Sometimes it even disappears.

But I am lucky to have some lucky stars lighting up my treacherous road.

Stars that comes and goes,
Stars that fades away.
Stars that appears in the darkest of times.

Dear stars, you know who you are. :)

Small Gesture, Massive Impact

2011-10-12T22:27:00.000+08:00

Can't help but to feel pretty depressed at work recently.
I am not too sure if it is because of unexpected betrayals, position insecurities, or that my beloved interns who are the purest of creatures have departed.

Honestly, caring too much is the bane of my soul.
If I would not have bothered, I wouldn't have this extent of worries.

But if I have not bothered, then it wouldn't be me.

I'd say my job sucks, but most people had begged to differ.
Though the pay is bad, I've got a boss with a heart of gold, and a cool job.

That aside, I recalled that moment after an intern's farewell dinner.
My boss was so emotional about her apparent end of destiny with the intern that she broke into tears.
The intern was so moved by it that she was fighting her tears too.

I who had spent an infinite amount more time with this intern was more than just tears.
All I could do is to laugh at my boss, and told her she was silly because we could all meet with her.
That was my assurance to myself to not feel sad.

I think feeling sad about farewells is taboo.

I consider her a friend, and probably my best friend for the past 4 months or so.
So I assumed, there was no farewell in my opinion.

My fate with the company will seemingly end in a couple of months time too, and I am no different from her.

It's 2 weeks since her farewell, and there is no explanation to my moodiness at work.
Today my 2 fellow young colleagues were down with MCs because of my potent virus I spread at work yesterday, so I took a long brood while they weren't around.

I concluded, it is most probably, mainly because I miss the interns. Especially the latter.

There is a lot of times I wished that I had her around to listen to my woes, my crap, and my bitching.
I felt like I don't really have anyone equal to her extent that I could share with.
Well I've got an awesome boyfriend but office politics is not something he could understand very well.

Her presence at work has given me hope that not everyone has a secret agenda, be it a good one or bad one. But without her, I feel like it is me against the world, although in reality it is not the case.

But yet again I am not too sure if the intimacy was an illusion at work, or is it real.
I find it difficult to accept I will not get to see her at least 71% of the week, and I find it inappropriate to expect her to meet my emotional demands.

Yesterday I got to meet her, and I was bursting at my seams.
I shared with her mortal woes that she is blessed to not be a part of anymore, and I appreciate that she still cares. But I really don't have anyone else.

I was almost too gay and when we had to go home, I can't help to be overwhelmed with sadness at the reality that I need to get over this attachment.

Maybe that was why my boss cried.
Maybe it's time I stop with holding it.

Today I stayed behind at work and alone in the cold office, I reminisced about those times, and how great it'll be if she was still around.

I have helped hired so many new people in the office, but I feel that there is nobody who'll understand me like her. No one's gonna have taste so smiliar with me than her.

Sometimes I want to pour out my feelings like most girls do.
But I don't really know how to do those things without girls thinking I am totally lesbo about them.

So I sigh everyday and read that last note she left me to fight at work.

***

I took a cab home today and the taxi uncle probably felt my dark aura.
Just like what she has always commented, that I have affinity with the folks.
Taxi uncle asked me if I know Andy Lau, and of course I do.
He told me that he is the Singaporean Andy Lau.
He then played the theme song of a popular Taiwan drama,
and sang for me.

He sang a total of 4 songs while talking about old times on the journey.
It was probably something he does everyday, but it really made my day.
I was laughing and crying throughout the whole journey.

He saw it, but didn't ask.

My sister has always warned me of my emotional dependance on others.
Sometimes I think it is blissful to be able to be dependant so I didn't care.
But maybe I should learn to not get so attached,
or learn to let go.

Nevertheless, the fare was definitely well worth it.

*sigh*

Does anyone know if Kelana Setia is a scam?

2011-08-19T23:55:00.004+08:00

Today at work, I received a call on my mobile phone from a very slurry seemingly malay guy telling me that he is from a *muffled* company and would like to me come to their office to give opinion on something.

Or at least that is what I interpreted.

I didn't quite understand so I gave him an email of mine that I seldom use, so that he could provide me with more details.

He also said that my presence will be reimbursed/etc I couldn't really make out/remember cos I was busy at work.

I thought it was a focus group so I was kinda interested.

It sounded a little dubious at the back of my gut.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, here is the email:

In case you cannot read the above, here are the words:

from azahar@kelana-setia.com

to *my email address*

date 19 August 2011 14:57

subject Invitation from Kelana Setia mailed-by kelana-setia.com

2:57 PM (8 hours ago)

Hi, Cynthia my name is Azahar from Kelana Setia..we are located at No.1 North Bridge Road Singapore 179094, High street center. We are speacialise in land acquisition.. we not selling no obligations, just wanna share..Upon attending you will be receiving a swiss brand watch as a token of appreciations. Is it possible to meet you at 3 tommorrow?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was really expecting a more formal and structured email but take a look at his English, and the clandestine and secretive manner almost similar to typical MLM/pushy-religious-cellgroup. I did ask more in the phone conversation but he was heavily muffled and didn't seem quite to know what he was talking about and avoided a lot of topics like how he got my number, what the topic is about, why do I need to go their office, and they don't seem keen for me to bring friends.

Usually, focus groups LOVE it when I bring more people for them.

And, when I asked him if it is a focus group cos I LOVE focus groups, he asked me what is focus groups and asked me what focus group is. When I said I am too busy (to explain to him) he repeated what his purpose of call was in his muffled manner.

So I gave a search on the website and etc, it is a Malaysian company and didn't mention they have a 'branch' in Singapore's North Bridge Road High Street Centre. And he spelt it as 'center'.

So I am highly suspecting that it is some sort of a new (or old) scam but does anyone here hear anything about this, seen this before or what not, please contact me I'd like bring it to the attention of the police.

I have no proof, my CSI work is like crap, it is just merely instinct...but you know, better be safe than sorry.

Please forward this to anyone, especially someone who can enlighten me, and someone susceptible to such scams (e.g my mom) lol.

cyn

cynnedcynner@gmail.com

Over The Edge

2011-07-07T19:10:00.003+08:00

I really don't wanna blog anymore but I still do cos it makes me feel better writing and crying at the same time.

For all the joker I am, I am pretty sad and emotional pretty much most of the time. I just prefer to partition my mind so that I deal with my problems later and not affect others with my negativity.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to this about cos I have learnt to stop whining about it especially when there is apparently no solution to this.

I feel flattered when all my friends, and not so close acquaintances seek me for advice, but I really do not see anyone who can give me good advice at all. In fact, I don't wanna hear cos I do not think anyone else understands this. And it is not the same with others or any less problematic than others. I just need ears.

I haven't been going home but who doesn't know that.

I've been staying my boyfriend's home cos his home is so much more like a home to me than my own.

His parents, even when they don't say much, looks ok when I am around, whereas my parents give me the feeling like I am not welcomed home. Technically, I have every right to go home cos I am their child. My boyfriend's parents have no obligations whatsoever to take me in, or even to let me stayover. Not even if I am legally married to him. But they never complained about anything.

Anyway, I feel bad, so I have to go elsewhere.

Sometimes I pop over to my sister's place, but I can understand that being single she needs her privacy. I do know she prefers my company but I know she has her needs. Plus her rent does not include a second person so I do not want her agent to have a bone to pick on her. So I don't. But I do lie to my mom that I am always at her house so that it is more accessible for work. And my sister is nice enough to lie for me most of the time.

So once or twice a week I will go home for the sake of appearing at home so that my mom will not think I have moved out completely. Cos if she does think so, she will exert all of her angst on my poor little sister like how it happened to me when my big sis moved out. So I lead a nomadic lifestyle like this.

When I was a kid, I used to see all the examples of the troubled youths leaving their homes and getting into troubles on TV, and I always commented that it is bullshit. Well technically I am no better than them now, except that I don't do drugs and shit, and I didn't get myself pregnant. Sometimes I do think that maybe if I was like that my parents might repent and behave themselves. But like all my friends said, it is my mother's fortune to have 3 good kids who really know how to think for themselves. Can someone please tell my mom that? She doesn't know shit, she thinks she is an expert at parenting. It disgusts me.

On Monday night, I went home after tuition with the cutest student on earth and when I got back, I was happy to see my dear little sister studying and all, but I was shocked to see my room neat. Well my dad has packed my room for me and for that, I am grateful. But to my horrors of horrors, he has packed away my beloved pillows, bolsters and blanket away, like as if I have moved out, and threw out most of my stuff. I know, I have only myself to blame, but by doing this, my parents are declaring war. What does this mean? Do you want to chase me out officially or what?

Every single time I go home, my mom asks for money. She does it so down low with an attitude, and hints that the utilities are increasing. I understand that her pay is not increasing too.

National problem, every one else is dealing with this too. My friends parents never burdened their kids prematurely with these problems so far. One even saved a laptop for her kid going to poly even though she's battling cancer.

My pay is so low, I dare tell you now, I work 10am-6pm at only $1.4k. I'm trying to save up for a mac, a car license, and my future university fees. Fuck it that she never intended to pay for our tertiary educations. My mom tries to sucker-up money from me and my big sis at every opportunity. She doesn't care if I am not doing well, all she cares is herself doing well. I do tell her my sorrows all the time, she's never a listener. Ya I know she got me so many things when I was a kid. But I guess that was paid back long ago when she spent the money we saved up over the years from angbaos, scholarships and jobs.

Yesterday while happily in the arms of my boyfriend, my little sis called me up to tell me that my dad is throwing my things out again.

I was in rage and after hanging up, I demanded hugs from my boyfriend but cos of his unconditional hugs, I wonder, how come I never had these from my own parents, it came only from my big aunt and her husband but my mom is a jealous woman and always throw tantrums when we always prefer our big aunt to her. She doesn't want to give the affections to us, but she doesn't allow others to give it to us either. How come someone as random as my boyfriend, can give me his love so unconditionally, and his mom cooks with all her heart for him, and offers me a share unconditionally as well, but my mother doesn't give a flying fuck at all.

So I cried and I told my boyfriend nobody wants me. I can deal with it if a guy dumps me. But I just felt like my parents disowned me. I should be happy, but I don't know, it just felt betrayed. Maybe I was angry that I got dumped before I dumped them.

I am so sick of this and sometimes I do plan suicide. If not for the fact that I know my loved ones will never forgive me, I would do it.

I see girls committing suicide cos of one stupid boy, the easiest solution is to walk out of it. But how do I walk out of my parents? I don't even know if there is any solution at all. I wonder how all the abandoned children feel and deal with this. It's so embarrassing cos there is no help for adults. And that is just the tip of my iceberg.

Everything is about money. Where is the love?

Would it have been less bitter if we were orphans?

What would you do if the ones pushing you over the edge are your own parents?

Hallelu...YEAH BABY!

2011-06-13T02:58:00.004+08:00

Hallelu-YEAH BABY!
This is me feeling the gay pride at 3am in the morning.
Jesus either loves the gays or he doesn't exist.

Bratty Blind Man

2011-05-21T10:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, while commuting to Bishan,
there was a early 40s blind man, who was polite in a rude way.

Polite in a rude way means he shouts "EXCUSE ME" and "SORRY" in a severe attitude problem,
it's like he was scolding everyone.

The train was very packed but he kept pushing himself and everyone in front of him,
including me inwards. And he shoved in towards his right expertly towards the double seats of the mrt,
in which one of them is the reserved seat.

An older lady in his 50s was on it, and she had an ankle brace on.
Our blind dude here went in front of her, STARED at her, and told her to give up the seat to him.
The old lady being gracious, gave up the seat for him.
So the young girl beside her gave her seat for the old lady.

But the blind dude was weird he just kept sitting closer to the middle until the old lady had very little space and finally stood up. The blind dude just sat on the middle of the 2 seats triumphantly.

When it reached Bishan, he alighted too.

and he swept his cane from west to east.
and even tripped a little kid, and he didn't say sorry.

He went on with his barbaric cane,
and later when he neared the escalators,
he took his own sweet time and slowed down the whole traffic.
I would have empathised, except that he slowed down everyone because he was checking his SMS.
Or doing whatever on his phone.

It was not like he was using speech based controls or what,
he was waving his barbaric cane, chillin' there and reading his text message.

Everytime he hit ppl with the cane, he went like "SORRY!" in a rude way.
and he kept doing the thing. And I could tell it hurts cos most of them had to rub the injury.
and some guy got hit like 3, 4x.

He did that so that there is a large radius of empty space around him.
Devoid of the commuting commoners.

I should do that too someday.

Everyone around him including me flew to an outrage.
Plus, he was wearing spectacles. and Checking his fucking text.

So the question is, is he really blind?
I thought maybe he had a severe myopia.

But this guy knew his manoeuvres too well.

I mean the blind dudes at my boyfriend's block all rock man.
They are like cool and nice and stuff, they TAP their canes and wave a little.
Not waveeeeeee and sweeeeeeeeeeeeep em around like screen wipers.
But this one is just plain bratty.

He thinks he can be a jerk just cos he is blind.

People think they can abuse our sympathy, but these people give the nice disabled folks a bad name.
Seriously. WTF MAN.

Same thing with some old ppl.
They think they can be a barbarian and are above the law just because they are old and senile.

Better Blowjobs.

2011-04-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

if you want better blowjobs from ur girl, very simple.

shave/wax your pubes.
clean your privates
spray deodorant if you still smell bad.

you'll realise that her bj will improve drassssssssstically.

it's a vicious cycle.

2011-04-12T00:29:00.000+08:00

I think I kinda miss her.

I think my bf and other friends will kill me,
esp. after I shat so much about her and how she had made me feel.

But I guess, if we spend our life remembering those many small bad things that made the sweet things turn sour, it's regrettable.

Afterall, she was there for me when the guys all walked all over me, and when I couldn't show my soft spot to anyone else, and was open to any other topic I wasn't ever comfortable to tell anyone else.

and beyond all the crap she has put me true, and things I thought she made use of me, there were times when we were together and no one else could understand, or ever feel the connection we had despite our different wavelengths.

The best memory I had of her was that she hugged me in her arms when I was helpless of my own phobia.

I don't think I could ever have a friend like her who used to come back
and needed no explanations, no sorries or bore any grudges whenever I used her to vent my anger unknowingly.

I guess I always told her it's a vicious cycle but I guess it's the same for me,
but I am just to self-righteous to realise I am not always right just cos she is dumb.

and I know everyone will feel angry for me, at me for wavering.
I guess they will think I am stupid, and can't give shit about me no more if shit hits my fan again.

They wouldn't know how it felt to have once found a soulmate in a friend.
Even if it was for a year, a day or a minute, and to know that it is mutual.

But I guess that is the problem with abusive relationships,
we all go back to our abusers someday.
It is sick and crappy, but romantic in its ways.

I feel really sorry that I have single-handedly made things turn this way,
and sometimes I don't even care if she doesn't learn, or that she is not sorry.

Cos I am probably in some sort of denial to say I am better off without her.

Don't think she reads my blog no more.
Don't think it will be back the same anymore,
I can't say I really regretted making things this sour

Please don't ask me who is it cos it is pretty obvious.

But I think I really miss her.

thanks for curing my potential depression!

2011-04-04T23:47:00.000+08:00

So tired, no mood for private social life after I'm partially transforming myself into a cubicle drone.

As you might know, I am receiving training as a DJ at a certain radio station, and I guess it's pretty cool, but now's still preparation, so many things to do...basically, I am still at the point which I am pretty depressed at the loss of my freedom and sleeping hours.

It was pretty bad for the first few weeks, until the company's intern from Ngee Ann Poly came, she's Thanusha, she's a sweet girl that is 3 years younger, but feels nothing like it. Too mature oreadi.

But I guess it is thanks to her, the 'love of my worklife', that my sanity is kept, or rather, as Thanusha would say, "keeping her insanity".

I guess being insane is the norm for me. Being too normal kills my brain cells, kills my creative sperms from impregnating my mind.

OH WELL.

Our jobs at this point of time is pretty mundane, and thankfully for her, having someone around being equally tortured and crazy made me feel at home. If not for her, I might not wanna work grrrr.

I think this is the 3rd week of her job, and she's so on about learning street dance with me.
She's like a yoga master and a success story for a childhood obesity survivor haha, slimming centres can suck her cock. She's svelte now but complains her boobs are small when it is humongous to us. She just has NO IDEA.

Everyday we go all the way to Serangoon's Nexx for lunch, cos it's really no life to go to that canteen opposite everyday.

It may sound really gay, but having her around makes me look forward to work everyday haha. Cos it's not that same old cold studio anymore, which I nearly put myself to depression yet again.

My colleagues are all very nice, but somehow doesn't click as well as Thanusha.

The problem with me is that I am HIGHLY sociable, but the more I socialise, the more I feel lonely. Because most of the time I know that it is at a superficial level.

Funny how people think that I am easy to see through, but it seems that they are only seeing what I want them to see.

So I am thankful, once in a while souls like Thanusha reaches out unknowingly and grabs me out of the abyss of a potential depression. I guess that's the other talent she has other than being exceptionally eloquent haha.

She has those voice that you'll believe her if she reports a news on spaghettis seen growing on trees.

She teaches me her stuff rather than the other way round, a first for me, cos I am not really used to younger people teaching me...I guess it is really a case of 'age is just a number'...
I like how she just guides me, but she never give me what most people love to do, like "Aiyo you are supposed to be my senior but are you sure you don't know?" I mean, she NEVER does that. Funny, she's the intern hehehehe.

She's so funny, she told me that I helped ease her integration here, but I guess it might me more the other way around for me, she doesn't know. I think if not for her, I might compensate the company and quit instead. I just have this very bad habit..i can't work, I can't commit for things that I am not 100% interested, and I cannot have a boss.

Most of the time, I give my colleagues outside my room my best smile, cos I mean it, but I feel shit to go back in and be by myself, and then I feel my smile killing itself immediately.

Somehow, in that cold and lonely room, just having her presence makes me much more cheerful.

Getting all ghetto with those 'brack peepole' music, is our guilty pleasure...

Think these days will not be for long for us, because soon, we will be parted by our different shifts...and eventually, her internship will end...

Can't imagine when she will leave us (me) in August when her internship ceases. :(

Human Jam

2011-03-28T23:04:00.000+08:00

I'd love to meet someone who will honestly tell me they love human jams like this,

in hope to find a positive reason to endure this every morning and evening on a regular basis.

Life After Death ⚡

2011-03-25T00:42:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder, if people do live after deaths.
I wonder if they fear 'deaths' too.

I always wonder, when I go to his niche, is he standing around leaning on his niche with his usual suave and charming manner?

I wonder, if he saw my face when I finally found the copy of his CD I'm dying to have but he refuse to sell his personal copies...

I wonder, if he feels worse knowing that his departure has hurt so many people and if he feels helpless over it.

Or, did he just disappear when he died, together with his ashes?

I've been getting pretty emotional after my purchase of their CD. Couldn't stand it when the song for his funeral was playing on the CD...

I went to visit him last month, dropped him a little cranky present...I realise I never really dare look him in the eye in that small oval portrait of him...in fear that I might just break down in tears. He does look a little goofier than usual on it.

I didn't really stand there to pray to him, I don't touch his niche (cos I don't touch him irl too), I don't talk out loud either, I just went there and put the presents and left...walked all the way home and hold back my tears. I don't know what to do cos I normally burn incense for my dead grandparents. But I am sure he won't mind...

Sometimes I wonder if we visit our loved ones' niches to make ourselves feel better...It does, but it also make me more weepy.

---
Anyways I thought I'd write this fateful dream down in fear of my bad memory losing it.
Tues Night 22 March 2011, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house...Due to exhaustion I soon fell into deep sleep. Had some work-related nightmares due to stress, abruptly woke up but soon fell into slumber soon after...that was the start of my sweet dream.

In my dream, it looked like a seance. But I am sure it isn't because I don't think he or his family believes in this kinda occult things. Maybe I am just crazy. We were gathered around someone's living room, looked kinda like their old Punggol home...there were some of his friends whom I can't really recognise... and his family. It was like what he calls a 'chill-out' session.

Everyone was busy talking to him. It was like one of those times which he just came back from Melbourne. Everyone missed him, and can't wait to talk to him.

I saw the heartwarming scenario and took out my camera phone to video this down. Thinking that people might be interested, I don't know...but looking through the screen of my camera, I realised that I could capture everyone and every thing else, except him.

Then, in my dream I realised that he 'wasn't real'. I was conscious it was a dream, but I wasn't aware that in this dream he was dead too. Upon the depressing realisation... I retreated back into one of the rooms, squatted down to cry...not wanting to arouse the suspicions of others.

It was as if he came back to have a chat to hang out with us, and only I knew that he wasn't real.

It was so sad because to everyone else, they were blissfully unaware that he is 'not real' anymore. Made me wonder, if the image was my imagination.

The dream was so deep, it was like me watching my character's imaginations.

In the midst of my sobbing in the corner of the room, he walked in and helped me up, gave me a hug...and at this point I realised it was the room he used to taught me drums.

I cried even harder, knowing that 'it is not real'. I cried till my whole body was shaking, and asked, "When will you visit us again?"

He then replied with his ever-so-charming smile, "Next Tuesday, ok?"

There wasn't any ending to it, and I woke up, thinking that it was a beautiful dream.
It was nice because I was missing him really bad, and these years I have been unknowingly suppressing it too much.

Can't believe it's been three years already.

Then when I really woke up, though my boyfriend was right beside me, I felt awfully hollow and lonely. I cried even worse in real-life and was facing away so I don't worry my boyfriend.

At that time, I felt it was really horrible and awful, cos this dream just made me grief even more. I thought I had already settled the emotions on the first year? Did he make me dream this so that I will not forget him? I mean I bet not cos I am not that important, but I can't help but to think.

Like I have said...remembering hurts, so we try to not remember, but soon, we start feeling guilty cos we are so selfish. Soon, we'd start to worry we'll forget...So we'll live through the pain. But I chose not to think about it.

Every time I think of him, I think about something else to distract myself.

It was like he died yesterday, it felt the same for the next subsequent days. Back into those days which I can't sleep, keep thinking about the past, and how I'd be a better drummer if I have kept my word...if I have kept my word then I wouldn't be guilty about anything.

My dreams have always been cryptic when my grandparents appear, so naturally I assumed that it might mean something..."Next Tuesday"...I wonder.

I tried to relate this dream to my sister at dinner yesterday, and while I was getting to the hugging part, I cried so badly in the middle of the restaurant that the surrounding people were looking at me but I kept sobbing and shaking, I couldn't stop it.

My poor sister was so shocked she fumbled for her tissue pack to give one to me.

I was crying and felt silly so I laughed and cry and laughed and cry.

Thinking back about the dream...I wondered if he came to my dreams like my friend comforted me...and that I should look at it positively.

Honestly, I am not even that close with him, but I did had a world's worth of admiration for him. I am already grieving to this extent, I could not imagine how much worse his folks are feeling...which brings me...I have not visited them for almost 2 years...

Sometimes me going there to meet them, makes them feel much better. They cook all sorts of extravagant stuff to pamper us, but somehow, after the satisfying dinner, I leave to go home with a heavier heart. Maybe, that's why I kept telling them I am busy...cos I am not facing it.

Sometimes I think that maybe I am a tad dramatic about this whole thing, and people who are closer might not be so sad, then why am I acting like this. The point is I am NOT acting it...it hurts me to feel that maybe some people out there might question my true feelings or intentions, but I guess I needn't prove to anyone...I'll be just dealing with myself...and perhaps if he is still around, or on top, whatever, he'll see anyways.

I still cannot believe it, how sudden it was back then, and how my friend had informed me that afternoon, was about noon...I thought he was joking...He was same age as my elder sister, and my sis is 34 now, and I wonder how'd he be at 34. Will he have found the love of his life and probably marrying soon? Would he still be dedicated to drums or might he converted to be an office drone? Will he still look impish and forever young like how I last remember him? Will I still be in close contact with him now?

Nevertheless, I have never withheld the fact that he was my mentor, though I am not up to standard at all...some people see it as bragging, it isn't bragging, it was my little way of remembering him, and talking about him to other people...and at times, to warn people that people can die ANYTIME, and never underestimate that, nor take the loved ones for granted.

So, I really wonder. Did he just expired on this world...or does his spirit lingers on, beyond how people like to say it for the sake of it all...will I ever get to meet him again to tell him the things I didn't get to? Will I get to hear the answers of what I want to ask him? Will I ever really get over this? Do I want to get over it? Is there such a thing as getting over someone's death?

What is death?

Twisted Logic: When's the best time to 'fuck around'?

2011-03-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

I know, I know, you should NEVER fuck around, says your holy book.

It is also wrong to have pre-marital sex, or pre-legal-age-sex, etc...

But think about it this way...

The best time for boys and girls to fuck around is technically under their legal age.

Why?

Because if the idiotic adults decides to take photos or videos secretly, or kiss and tell, or do any sort of bullshit, the minor fuckaround could just threaten to tell the police!

Children need to be taught that there is nothing inferior about not having rich parents, and anyone can be a self-made man.

2011-02-26T17:14:00.000+08:00

Children need to be taught that there is nothing inferior about not having rich parents, and anyone can be a self-made man.

Yes, go ahead and quote me.

I posted this status on my facebook because while I was waiting for bus to go my bf's house, 2 kids sitting next to me were mocking their mother who had brought them to swim at my place, saying bullshit like all their friends' parents earn more than $5000 but their dad only earns a 'few hundred dollars'.

All these while they were gesturing and pointing like they were their mom's masters, and even made condescending glances at their mom.

I wanted to scold them that at least they put food on their table, clothes and books for them and even have money for fancy swimsuits (kickboards and unnecessary stuff). Ingrates. But I didn't want to be that extent of a busybody.

And the shitty mother, I am not sure if she feels inferior as well, she didn't say anything about their comments but just kept her mouth shut like as if she was the maid or something. What kind of a message is she teaching her kids??? Or, is she doubting her own husband as well???

What IS really included in the primary school syllabus???

GOLDEN RULES...if you want to be my friend...

2011-02-19T12:17:00.000+08:00

I've been influenced by the artworks of Less Than Positive

RULES ON BEING MY FRIEND:
#1: I am bad with directions so NEVER follow me.
#2: I am highly controversial/offensive, you don't have to agree, you don't need to shut up, but spare me your bullshit self-righteous ideals that your [insert organisation] taught you.

Timberland Boots are AWESOME as

2011-02-18T17:01:00.000+08:00

Alright, this post is super over due, and I am not paid to do this post.

All my friends have already known for awhile, that I own a pair of custom made Timberland boots that costs more than SG$400 because I have been excessively flaunting it.

I never understood the concept of luxury until my elder sister constantly spoils me with them.

Not that I am complaining though :D

On my 21st Birthday, my elder sister brought me to the Raffles City Timberland store to design my own customised boots.

They had many scrap pieces of stuff and then we could put them together like this:

It is made of nubuck :D

and then the receipt was this long, as though we were buying the parts...

and then we played the waiting game of about 3 weeks...and I finally received their call!

So I went back to collect it!

The bag...

The Recycled Box

The vegans are gonna kill me, but the leather smells orgasmic.

See my name?

This is a hangtag that I learnt that it was for testing your chemicals if it will damage the material of the shoe, while I was working in Timberland when I was 16... And YX is obviously the initials of my chinese name...

Pwetty pwetty

Sis bought these for me so that I can maintain the boots.

Totally worth the money too because the water stop prevents ugly water stains on your leather, works on your LV too. The 'Eraser' and brush is great too cos the eraser erases 'scratches' on your nubuck leather. Guess I don't have to talk about the brush.

I was about to throw the box aside when I noticed this little envelope at the bottom of my box....

Wah my bootmaker! Hahaha. And it is not made in China!

It feels really personal and the signature is real, not digital ones.

Heartfelt.

My birthday was July, and now it's Feb.

The boots were never smelly from feet odor (as long as you wear socks).

There is this smart wool in it that takes away the moisture of your legs so that your feet will have lesser odour.

I have to be honest, it was pretty painful for the first few weeks cos it was pretty rigid, and it was like walking on roller blades. But soon, it was seasoned and it was PERFECT.

It made any outfit look chic, and recently I went to Iron Maiden concert with them.

The stupid rain was so heavy and my poncho didn't cover my boots.

The rain was soaking up in everyone's shoes but mine. I tightened my laces and the ankles were secure...no water went in!

and fuck that stupid timberland promoter who told me that it will have water stains.

and fuck her who said that it will have scratches.

My boots are marketed for hiking in swamps...WHY THE HELL WILL IT BE DAMAGED SO EASILY?

and the grip was so good I could sprint in the rain...don't ask me why I had to sprint. It was a crappy experience queuing for the band you love.

And, the opening act was a metalcore band, and the moshing was fucking crazy. Everyone stepped on my shoes and I almost cried cos I knew I will walk out with scratches on my boots.

But it was worth it cos initially I fell and some asshole stepped on my ankles and the boots totally saved me from a broken ankle.

and when I got myself out of the moshpit.............

MY BOOTS WERE FINE AND NO SCRATCHES, NO WATERSTAIN.

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAA

I LOVE MY BOOTS OK???!!!!

I feel that I can walk through any hardship in my life with my dearest boots and I've got my big sis to thank, she'll probably never want to spend it on herself but she bought them for me!

>+ Less Than Positive

2011-02-18T08:48:00.000+08:00

(via Blankanvas)

Aw gosh. Fuck stupid girly blogshops that only carries girly shit.
I cannot find a better label that expresses my inner-guailan-ness better than LESS THAN POSITIVE

I wouldn't give two hoots if it was just another US label, but this one is home bred.
And, it is not too baggy for the girls.

If I could I would buy the whole label.

It's still pre-orders for now, so get your ass down their store to get your piece of guai-lan.
Rebel can't quite express this...I call this 'guai-lan chic' lol.

They should have one "TOO SCHOOL FOR COOL" lol. <--mistake totally intended.
and maybe a bullshit series like "BULLSHIT-PROOF" or "NO TIME FOR YOUR BULLSHIT"...
nah I am not that cool as the creator Eugene of course... :D

Congrats Egypt! 11 Feb 2011

2011-02-12T03:01:00.000+08:00

Bringing down a government is hard, building a new one is definitely harder.
I wish Egypt good luck, and sorry my mom brought u bad luck HAHA

(The running joke in my family is that every time my mom comes back from a holiday somewhere, she will bring disasters from natural to man-made ones like riot and cultural damage. Don't ask me why, it is too much of a coincidence lol.)

What are your plans for Vday? (I am camping at the airport to wait for iron maiden lol!)

2011-02-09T10:09:00.003+08:00

What are your plans for Vday? (I am camping at the airport to wait for iron maiden lol!)

Answer here

What do you hate most about Chinese New Year?

2011-02-09T10:09:00.001+08:00

What do you hate most about Chinese New Year?

Answer here

What are your favourite chinese new year snacks?

2011-02-09T10:08:00.001+08:00

What are your favourite chinese new year snacks?

Answer here

China's Unethical Imitation Eggs, Grapes and Large Intestines

2011-02-09T05:24:00.001+08:00

Everyone, check out how china's imitation eggs, grapes and large intestines are made to mix with the real stuff to maximise profits. Says after prolonged consumption will cause brain damage or something.

Process is similar to the spherification process of molecular gastronomy haute cuisines...

Share this to everyone, not a hoax.
(In jap with chinese subs, ask me if u need help)

A jap reporter attempts to get an insider of the imitators to divulge how the imitations are made.
They met up in a room and with minimal and unhygienic tools, he shows how the spherification is done, and the shell is formed after dipping into another bath which I am guessing is Calcium based.

Grapes are similar to making the yolks of the fake eggs, and the white tube thing you see in the video is the process of making the large intestine, which is what we chinese people love. He states that he didn't prepare colour dyes, if not the intestines will look real.

Man also added that it is not imitation food, but man made food, but what happens to the people who consume, is none of his bloody business.

After that the japs demonstrates how it is done in their studios and remarks how the egg looks like the real yolk.

Here is another one:

Dragonflies in the Stomach

2011-02-08T04:00:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...

It's not my first interview, and definitely not the first job interview.
But I think that it is the first interview for a full-time job,
which is pretty serious, cos most of the time, I can't give a fuck because it is not like I want to make a living out of it...but this time, I think I want to...

And it involves some extent of 'auditioning'...which I am really NOT good at.
and honestly, I haven't faced any job-rejection, maybe because of my nonchalance, I was never nervous. And people tell my they love my confidence.

But right now, it is as nervous as if there were dragonflies in my stomach...
Maybe more like a demon spawn cos it is pretty chaotic right now.

How the hell am I supposed to show my fucking confidence?
What if I am tongue tied?
Yup, ME, tongue-tied is a rare occurrence.

There is this strange NAGGING feeling that I won't get it.
This fucking thing called self-doubt.

I can't even sleep right now. And somehow I know I am going to cock-up.
arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhh.

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MOJO?!!
*There is a strange comforting feeling whenever I cuss excessively.*

For No Fucking Reason!

2011-02-05T10:41:00.000+08:00

I am so sick of people asking why we kids post facebook status updates, twitter, or check in too regularly on foursquare with 'no actionable outcome'.

I am sick of people nagging at me lazing at home, doing a ceiling-staring marathon for the whole day.

I am sick of people asking me why I am not continuing my studies or finding a job (cos I am about to get into a job tho, can't give a fuck to explain to them) because not doing anything is just rotting my life away.

May I ask...
WHY THE FUCK DO WE NEED A FUCKING REASON BEHIND EVERY FUCKING THING WE DO?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SPONTANEITY???

you know what? I do things

FOR NO FUCKING REASON!

STFU.

"Oh, I attend the School of Hard Knocks, University of Life."

2011-02-04T03:28:00.001+08:00

Sure, that's what most people who are not in university says these days...

I've been thinking, I used to think that I am better than some of my friends cos I am in poly whereas they have decided to quit school and all and not have proper education...

But I have missed the whole point because even after graduating from poly, I have got no direction or whatsoever in life. However it always wasn't the case, I was bent on being a designer.

It is not like I cannot survive or what and hence I gave up. One part of me loves art and design heaps but the other part I hate most about it is the selling-out aspect.

Sure, to be a good designer you need to be versatile, but that doesn't mean we lose our touch, or signature niche. But most of the time, you are just not allowed to leave that significant something that identifies you.

Funny how when I was in school many so-called corporations would want our help with designs, promising 'exposure' for credit. Truth is, there is no exposure. First of all, they didn't allow your name or credentials on your design. Secondly, they don't allow it on their official website. Thirdly, they don't pay you. And we were all like so happy to have designed for it, but we were unknowingly ripped off without knowing it. Sure you get bragging rights you did it, but I mean, anybody could have said they did it. I know it is ethically wrong, but do people care? You think you could use them for reference? The hard fact is they are never going to pick your call again, if you had their numbers in the first place. They probably cannot remember your name.

If we don't value our own work, no one will.

I feel kind of sad how this little human nature thing can totally blow me off my aspirations.
I love it when I do for my private expression, free from criticisms and 'feedback', or directions, or grading. I feel that art is art, it should never be judged, or whored for.

True enough, if I am whoring myself I'd whore with something I love, that is art...or else it will just be like sleeping with a fat, old, stinky old man for his money.

I think this whole art criticism is a whole level of bullshit. It is bullshit because it is actually true when the layman makes fun of how 'anything can be art', but what they missed out is the part where you need a bullshity, yet intelligent 'concept' behind it.

The thing is if your concept appeals to your audience or your teacher, you'll get praises and make it.
But if you don't, what you are doing is amateurish, desperate and cheap. hurhurhur.
Since when did art become something that we need do to please others?

I did poly for 4 years and all I could see is this thing going round and round. Sure teachers reading this will tell me obviously I haven't been paying attention in class. No, it is you guys who do not see it. Everything is a fucking cycle. Ya sure there are a 101 principles and rules behind it, and who you critique it, what is art, what is not, but what IS art? Suddenly this uneducated prodigy comes out and the equation is always the same, his/her art catches the eye of some famous art snob, and his words will hence pave her way to the art scene...and the prodigy probably don't know shit about art 101. She's got it. Simple. Those who ain't got it, works hard at 'selling out', or being 'versatile' they call it. Jaded ones, they teach, in hope that hopeful kids might rekindle their lost spark. So little space here. Come out and find me, I will yak a 24 hour to debate this issue with you.

Art aside, a musician who stays true to his styles, creations and genre deserves critical acclaim (if most people likes it or a cult following is enough too). But a commercialised musician are often seen as 'sell-out'.

What is with the double standards?

So is this what they are trying to teach us?:
A good designer is good at selling out,
A good musician is good at not selling out.
But both have to please the crowds.

Personally, I think I am not good at all.
But sometimes I do draw some good stuff but I can imagine they will never leave my sketchbooks, because it will not be welcomed.
Now that I have finished with my diploma, and partly sure I don't really want to do design for a living for now, do I really want to do an art degree? And if not, what should I do?

I know I am in the second gap year already, but I mean no point rushing into a university when I am not sure and confident of what I am going to do after uni right? I am pretty sick of people around me asking or rather, nagging at me, telling me what to do, just go into a uni, etc. I don't want to be one of those that goes into a university just because it is relevant and important to 'secure' a degree.

I am sure securing a degree is easy, but securing a career is a whole new level.

Schools these days are not planning to teach you like you think you will get, they charge exorbitant prices and tell us to find our own answers. Here is me trying to find my own answers, without schools sucking the life force out of me. Sooner or later, all intellectuals are prostitutes at some point of their lives.

If I am not good, then no amount of school or degree from now on will help me unless I pick myself up. But if I am good, I think it doesn't really matter if I had that degree or not. I am not sure about your course, but I have seen my art people, It is either you got it or not.

Things do not fall into place right after you finish a degree. Things will not fall into place anyway. I don't want to repeat the same thing I go through in poly. I don't want to realise I hate what I do and go through this when I am done with uni. It is such waste of money and time.

It doesn't really matter if we're from special, express or normal streams, or if you took the longer route via ITE, cos the only thing matters here, is the time. If we are unsure, take the time to do it. Don't rush into things and realise. I think it is very important to go back to basics and think right from rock bottom, and then we will be rock solid.

I spent the whole teenage years being crystal clear of what I want, only to realise the adult eyes of mine does not see it in the same way anymore. Hence I am still pretty lost.

I am really lost, I weep almost all the time thinking I am useless and directionless, but I guess the good thing is at least I am pondering really deep now and being confused now rather than having spent more than a million on university education to realise I have been trotting the wrong path...or worse, confused at the mid-life crisis. Well even if I were to go through this and yet face all the later 'crisis', I don't think there is anything wrong to admit to being lost. It is just how the society makes us pressured that we must contribute to it asap. What is my worth in this world, what is the right path for me? Is there really a 'right' or 'definite' path in life?

I don't want to.

People tell me I am not young and I should not waste so much time trying different kinds of job to see what I really like, but I do not think there is any time that is good or bad to commence the career, or to re-enroll to do up my degree later. We will never know if our own lives will be short, or long... Plus if I have the money I'd really rather give my sister the opportunity as long as she is clear unlike me. I may become more 'stupid' and less capable of learning later when I am older, but I guess this is what I chose.

I chose the School of Hard Knocks, University of Life.
Let's hope I graduate with Distinctions.

Society can suck my cock.

Suicide is a personal choice, no need for empathy and Death is just the beginning!

2011-02-03T08:55:00.001+08:00

I recall once on a thread there was this one distant friend of my friend's, who was dead because he committed suicide.
And apparently he was that typical ostracised odd kid character that is present in every body's class.
So, being unable to take the social stress upon him (or so I thought), he killed himself.

I admit, I was harsh. But I am just stating facts.

True that it is excruciatingly painful to have lost someone to suicide, but it is also awfully stupid to kill yourself.

I feel that people who have killed themselves, usually cannot cope with the present situation that they are in in life, hence they seek an alternate dimension, or choosing to disappear.
Whether is it euthanasia to relief you from pain, or suicide from emotional torture, or suicide cos you have no place in the society, either wise, people like that have no place in this world even since they killed themselves. They have willingly given up battling. So that is why I don't give my condolences to people who chose to die, or die in a way like my grandparents did, you know, those deaths where it is worse to be alive and suffering from cancer n what nots.

So why the hell do I have to show empathy?

I don't get it, it is just soooooooooo hypocritical. I do not feel empathy for this type of death, I mean, ya sure I'm sad, but I mean, it is a good thing really. For them to move on.

Look at it this way, death is just the beginning, or a solution for them.

(Well I mean people who lost their loved ones from abrupt, sudden deaths like accidents and such do not apply here.)

I am not saying it is good riddance of people like them. I am just saying, they may be better off dead.
(I realised I still sound bad here.) I mean, like they may feel better, relieved, and happier dead.
ISN'T THIS WHY THEY CHOSE DEATH? WTF?

I don't get it. When I was trying to convey these thoughts, people were flaming me and started giving me comments about morals and empathy, started to use examples of my mom and shit like that, well if my mom did die of suicide, ya I'd be sad but it is her bloody dumb decision to leave the world, not my fucking fault and I cannot blame people for thinking she is stupid too, ya noe wad i mean.

I think there is no appropriate thing to say to the people who lost their loved ones to suicides...
Just keep quiet. I only said all the above stuff cos I find it really fake to see people with "my condolences" cos I KNOW, they all feel the same like I do.

Like I said they will really have no place in this world even if they didn't chose to die, but the same paradox comes, if they chose to live, they will have a place in this world, so that is why i say, it is good, u should be happy for him.

Look, there are tons of outcasts of the society, I remembered there was one in my class, I always try to talk to her, get to know her better. 10 years down I bump into her in my neighbourhood, she's still equally outcast, but she told me she's glad that I made friends with her, or even talked to her. I am so proud of myself. But it wasn't a pity friend or what, I just like to liven people up. I somewhat knew I pulled her out of the depths of suicidal tendencies.

Sometimes outcasts they do it to themselves, but at the same time people always deny the fact that they all indirectly cause their deaths. It is really cruel. So I think it is pretty weird to feel bad after it.

Sure I feel suicide is fucking dumb. But usually people who think that suicided people were dumb, and they carry a negative feeling to it.

For me, I feel they are dumb, but look at it another way, by killing themselves, they have chose another solution as well. Everybody does escapism, why can't they do it this way? I don't want to encourage suicide but they deserve a certain respect too because suicide, is NOT easy. Ironically they call it the 'easy way out' lol.

And suicidal depression is hereditary. I mean to be factually heartless, it is actually for the better they have eliminated themselves from the gene pool. That is the most respected aspect I have of them.

If euthanasia is the good way out of a freaking physical suffering of pain,
I can say the same for suicides... I guess people just cannot take it anymore.

Yea too bad they cannot fight the battle anymore, too bad they surrendered to the game of Life, but I guess it is a good thing for them no? Death is certainly a new beginning for them. Whether they get to go hell, heaven, reincarnate, or disappear into oblivion, it is a start of something new...

oh well...where desperation brings people...

(check this out so funny: http://questionabletopic.wordpress.com/2008/04/29/demotivational-poster-1/)

Death Dealing

2011-01-31T11:54:00.001+08:00

It's a dilemma.
When people die, it doesn't feel like they're gone.
It is more like they are on a long vacation.
Not much difference if they were always away.

The difference is, deep down, we know they will never come back.
We have no means of communication, where facebook and telecommunications fail.

Sure, we can pray,
Desperately trying to find signs to assure ourselves that they heard us.
Do they?

When revelation hits us, it hurts.
So we try not to think about them.
In hope that the hurt will go away.

But when it doesn't hurt,
and we're over indulging in other things,
The paranoia sets in.
'Will we forget forever?'

Forget the pain?
Forget them?
Forget the love?

So we desperately try to hold on to the memory...
Cry under the showers and live the pain.

Let's hope we'll get to meet again.

LMFAO

2011-01-24T06:38:00.002+08:00

Octopussy

2011-01-24T06:35:00.001+08:00

Is it wrong for me to feel the heat for this picture?

Does it mean that I am into bestiality or that I am a zoophile?
Well technically it is more like 'Under Water World' than Zoo lol...

Well, I am not alone:

"THE DREAM OF THE FISHERMAN'S WIFE "

This is the same guy who did this:

Virginity

2011-01-24T06:18:00.003+08:00

I admit, I really do respect virgins.
Preserving themselves, and shit, is a big deal.

But not a big deal to me.
I don't get it. What's the big deal?

Oh, maybe it will be a big deal IF my underaged sister tells me she's lost it to some random dude.

Personally, I feel that this whole "preserving for the one" is really overrated.
I mean in this century which the divorce rates and adultery rates are so freaking high, are you sure you can find THE ONE?

Sure, I love my boyfriend a lot, I think he'd make a good husband, I want to have kids with him and sure a future with him, I want to marry him really bad, not that I do not have faith in him, but I don't think there is a sure guarantee that he will never ever cheat on me, or that our marriage will be forever and ever. Sure, we'd tell ourselves that we'll try to make everyone envious of our marriage, but there is never a sure thing when it comes to this.

What makes THE ONE actually? Why the hell do we have to preserve for the one? If that cheating bastard of yours is fucking some fine assed girl, then he really has cheated everything out of you, not only your trust, your marriage, but your virginity is forever with him.
Even if he also lost it to you on that 'first night' after marriage, the dudes don't really give a flying fuck about where he parked his virginity all right?

My take on the best way to lose it:
I always thought that, when you feel that the time is right, maybe, you spent a bit of years with this sweet guy, and in that nice moment you felt like it, you are sure that that night, the love was perfect, I think that is the ideal time to lose your virginity. (and hope that the guy is a virgin too)

Sure being underage definitely clouds your judgment, but in my twisted world, the longer you 'keep' it, the more shit you'll feel if you've placed your 'bet' in the wrong dude.

And, many people take this 'loosing virginity' too seriously. They will go out of their way to make it perfect. Like light candles, put roses, all those bullshit. I think it just adds on to the fucking pressure and probably your dude can't even keep the erection.

I don't mean to say that it is ok for you to throw your virginity on some random fucker too.

One thing I learnt from all the guys in my life, is to not take this virginity too seriously.
I mean, to all the girls screaming feminism all the time, if guys can take it like dirt off the shoulder, then why can't girls do the same? What is with the double standards?
Why does it has to be a girl's disadvantage? It takes 2 to fuck ain't it? So they both lose and gain ain't it?

I view preserving in a different way. I view it in a sense that I will never allow a guy to 'score' me. (Sometimes I score the dude tho, then I pretend that it never happened and this usually creates another jerk lol.)

I took a really long time to write this post.
I don't think I lost it well, but erm, I gained a lot of perspective on it, and made sure all my girl friends lost them well...or preserved them well in a right mindset, and in the right way.
I talk to my younger sister in hope that she will not be curious like I did.
Part of my decision back then was the curiosity driving me crazy, and I didn't have internet accessible enough for me to look at how others do it. Porn scares me anyway.

Another thing, by being virgin, you lose a lot of perspectives in this world.
But I could say the same for un-virgins too haha.
I guess we win some and lose some...

I don't understand how girls make a big pile out of loosing it. I am sure that guys will place the girl he lost to in a special place in his heart, unless he probably bought that experience haha. But guys let go really well...and I think girls should really learn about that. It helps in healing.

Fucking funny.
Everyone talks about preservation and shit like that and no one give the attention to the other MAJORITY of the population who has lost it. No one gives tips on how to deal with loosing your virginity.
If you lost it to some jerk, the best way to redeem yourself is to rise from the ashes and learn from your mistake.
and not go fucking around more cos the more you do it, the emptier it feels. The guys love your sex, not you. They pretend to be nice, k? Don't let more guys 'score' you.

Some girls actually are afraid of loosing their virginity because they are afraid that their libido/sex drive go out of control once they have tasted the forbidden fruit. OMG that is ridiculous. I have even celibated for 3 years.

I wanna make it clear, whether you want to be sexually active, inactive, occasionally, promiscuous fuckaround, it is entirely up to you. It is ALL IN THE MIND.

Which brings me to masturbation.
I don't understand why it is like a big taboo almost bigger than sex itself for girls.
I hear that in sex talks for the guys, the expert actually teach them to masturbate because if the dudes do not masturbate, the semen will build up and result in a sticky situation called 'wet dream'...hahah pun not intended.
For girls, nobody taught anybody anything. Guys will make fun of themselves jerking off even in normal conversation, but you don't see girls doing that masturbation action cos it is so crude and 'unladylike' RIGHT? SO, Girls, really don't know what to do.

But the fact is that every time we stick our fingers in to wash off menstrual blood we're unknowingly doing it, but we're probably too disgusted by the blood to feel anything nice hahahhaa. Oh, and for you guys who are curious, we do not get aroused when we insert tampons, and no, it does not make us not virgins if we use tampons.

This is so sad. My take on masturbation is that everyone should learn to know themselves before they take it to the next level. Honestly I am never a fan of masturbation and seriously, sometimes I find it stupid. I will think like why the hell do I need to do it myself when I can get others to help me. But I have learnt that it is really fucking dumb. What if the person is taking advantage of your confusion? And, if we don't know what we like, how can we expect others to know what we like? I am still trying to find out what I like tho :( sad.

You know, guys are almost always confident about their body parts. They don't go "OMG I AM SO FAT" and all that. Even if they are afraid that the girl might think their dick is small, they will still pretend that they are confident cos they know the girls dig that shit.

Actually, What really is virginity?
I recall a conversation with a lesbian girl that never had sex with a guy, asking me if it will be really painful. Funny thing is that this is the same lesbian girl with a huge-ass, nasty shit dildo that is modeled after huge-ass black cocks and she will naughtily tell me she loves these plastic shit, but scared of the real ones...hurhur. I swear i am telling the truth.

The other girl friend of mine will happily tell me about the fact that she sucked her boyfriend's cock yesterday, did a lot of mutual heavy petting and happily assures me she is still a virgin.

Ahem. So, what is a virgin?
Technically, a virgin is someone who has never had sex. Or for girls, someone whose hymen is still intact.

Research states that not every girl has a hymen good enough to tear and bleed on the deflowering process. Especially for girls with active lifestyles, theirs are most likely too stretched etc. (That's why girls in china had to be in bound feet to keep their steps small to keep their virginity wholesomely.)

I hear your "OOOOOOOOOOOHHH"...

Morally, in my opinion, abstinence should be all-rounded.
Maybe a little hardcore french kissing is socially acceptable in this era, but petting, heavy-petting, mutual masturbation, anal sex, oral sex, boobage sex, elbow sex, what ever, should be included together with virginal sex. If you do any of the above, your jesus or god or allah or buddha wadever, will not like you anyway. And, chances are, if you're touching a dirty boy, you will get his dirty too. You know, like STDs.

I even heard from this guy friend of mine, that his ex-girlfriend was a religious girl, and due to his pressure, she gave in to have anal sex with him. When asked why it is ok in the ass, she says it is ok as long as it is not the vagina.
IT IS NOT OK CRAZY WOMAN...

So, I always want to roll my eyes whenever my girl friends tell me much more morally upright they are than me just because they are still virgins (some are hardcore heartbreaking jerkettes)...I wanna puke.

I guess in a homosexual sex itself, it is still sex after all.
Once you engage in a sexual act, you are no longer a virgin.

You know, if you do like a lame little act, you have already lost your chastity and probably exposed yourself to STDs and pregnancy probabilities...
Either you don't do it at all, or do it all.

So, how to define a sexual act?
WELL, it is an act or experience you will not be comfortable telling your dad and mom about HAHA. You know, NSFW stuff. So I guess hardcore french kissing shud be borderline-ok.

Funny thing is that some girls' fears that helps keep their virginity is the fear of pregnancy and STDs. I mean you're gonna get pregnant even if he doesn't penetrate you, so yea...you shud keep your virginity whole sale then.

Girls' world is just so complicated. hurhur.

Don't ask me about the freaky stuff like does it count if I used a sex-toy, or sex-doll.
Cos it really depends on the context. Like if you are loserishly loser, then YES you are still a virgin, keep trying.

But i am not too sure about using a big dildo on yourself, technically breaking your hymen, making you a technical non-virgin, yet never had a guy action before...that is such a dilemma. What do you think?

If people ask you if you are a virgin, the question I ask you back is:
Morally or Technically?
and, WHICH ORIFICE?

HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHH~!

I guess this ends my self-righteous opinion then!

(p.s. read this ~~fucking ridiculous~~ post by a christian's view http://koinonia01.blogspot.com/2010/06/keeping-your-virginity.html)

Egyptian Chips Taste Like Shit

2011-01-14T07:17:00.000+08:00

and so I tried to not snack in the middle of the night,
but I saw those chips lying on the dining table and I couldn't resist it.

It was kebab flavour versus 'lemon and chili' flavour.
Thinking the chili was hot, I opened up that bag of kebab flavour.

Tasted good on the first crunch, but the aftertaste seemed to be like a fucking goat's arse.
That so-called 'kebab' flavour had this stinky goat smell.
Same reason why I hate goat's milk, or lamb shanks from cheap restaurants.

Then I threw it aside, and opened the 'lemon and chili'.
The first whiff of it nearly killed me.

Not that I am racist, but I am just not accustomed to it,
it smelled like a century old mamak shop in a tiny bag.

I love muruku and indian spices, but it's that musky smell, you know.
Arghhh.

Makes me wonder if Egyptians like these flavour,
wonder if this brand sells well.

If any of you girls wanna stay off chips for a long time,
you could get one of these and eat it.

Smells worse than shit. Can't get rid of the smell on my tongue.
At least it discouraged me from snacking.

(p.s. I got these stuff only because my mom just came back from Egypt a month ago...)

Abandoning Friendship is easier than Abandoning Kinship...and i think my mom is a jerk on celebrations

2011-01-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

It's strange how people have a hundred and one rule and ethics about what's right and wrong in a friendship.

Things like how your best friends should never date your ex or your current, things like how real friends do not calculate, things like if your friend da-da-da, then you should not be friends with that friend.

It's just so easy to let go someone who's been a bane of your life, or a bad influence.

But what people seldom realise, is that at times, people who hurt you most are those that share the same blood as you.

Some dads are super abusive, some moms are bloodsuckers, some parents are gold diggers who think of their children as nothing but investments.

Of course, I do not doubt parental love. But that is also what most abusive husbands assure their wives...
"I love you...but...I need to wallop you."

People always tell their friends "walk away".
But there are just some situation that you just can't walk away.

What is with morals and ethics and filial piety?
What is this shit that makes it so exclusive and more important than friends?

Every time I ask anyone, if you had to chose, is it friends or family?

I mean, it's sick. Cos, you're always 100% expected to answer family.
For me, it depends. Which family member.

Sometimes I feel so confused about my mom.
Sometimes she is like the sweetest mom, sometimes she has the solution from age-old techniques that we'll never be able to google...sometimes, being elsewhere more turbulent, home seems more...homely.

But most of the times she's always asking for money. Or hinting for money.
She doesn't really care what is going on with our lives, she just wants money.
She just happily gives birth to my younger sister and expects us 2 elder kids to take responsibility.

She'll compare us with her family, and that in the past she had to look after the rest of her 9 siblings or so and had no problem with it. Oh and she never fails to tell us how much she has sacrificed for her dear siblings. Weird thing is when we speak to our aunts, stories don't tally up. Whatever.

I mean times are really different. It's not like we could simply get a farm and start helping out in it, or quit studying and get work. We look into the future.

I will never forget that look when I told her that I intend to further my studies.
She just went like "HUH?!!!" in the most appalled and skeptical manner.

It's so hard to explain in words...

It is even worse to know that she has single-handedly spent all my savings for advanced studies.
Now she's asking me for more money.

Seriously, most of the time I escape to my boyfriend's house. Sometimes I hang out with my friends and go home once she's out of the house or sleeping.

I really wish to walk away...bring my poor little sister away from all these bad childhood.
I lack the ability...I lack the money...and I feel kinda bad to just abandon my parents...my dad's not entirely innocent, he just turns a blind eye, it's not helping either...

It is weird how there is always help for unfortunate people. Then again, what defines unfortunate?
I mean my mom is not that physically abusive. Sure, she still canes us at this adult age. She thinks caning works. She has no respect for us and treats us like dogs when we 'misbehave'. And when she knows that I have high pain tolerance, she canes my sister so that I will feel bad. But those are thankfully the past.

Now that she's in some evangelistic buddhist church, she's always telling us what's right and what's wrong, yet commit all the wrong without knowing it...and when we scream that she's doing it, she tells us we've got no right to interfere with affairs of the adults. Even better. She does emotional black mailing. Who's there to help when there is emotional abuse? The worst shit is, we're not going to report her anytime soon even if there is. Cos ultimately, we don't want her prosecuted. I mean, she's not the worst batch. Or so every abused child says.

Tomorrow is my little sister's birthday. The routine is that we go for family dinners. Or so it seems.
Mum calls elder sis to organise or she'll not give a shit. I quote her.
Elder sis, though very caring, loving and kind on the inside, feels angry with my mom that her kid becomes her liability. Hence, she tells me that I should organise it, cos it is not her problem.

I can understand where her angst stems from. Every time there is a birthday, or my mother the royal highness' mothers' day, the responsibility of treating everyone to expensive dinner falls onto my poor elder sis ever since she was my age. Time to time she'll pay for super duper posh places, but it's just not correct to do this all the time...Dad magically disappears from all these worldly troubles.

Me, just graduated from poly, still struggling with what I really want in life...I am poor and I do not have the ability to share my elder sister's burden. I mean, I love my sisters.

My poor little sister, the real victim of these crazy childish 'adlut' cross fire...gets all the real time bullshit. Forgetting the part that her friends generally forget her birthday because she's a January baby, my family is always pushing away celebrations with her because of petty squabbles.

This year, my mom is way OUT OF ORDER.
She yesterday she left my sister no choice but to go have vegetarian cuisine with her.
Hence, my little sister went on a silent protest and ignored her the whole day...and my mother went furious and vented all her anger on me. What she did, I will not elaborate.

Today, as I promised my sister, I don't care what others plan or plan not to do, I'll just bring her to a little celebration with me and my bf, have a nice meal that I can afford, a little birthday cake, and hopefully it makes her year.She's actually pretty sweet. She understands me the most and knows my deepest blackmail worthy secrets, and she appreciates it. I know deep down she is still depressed about the shit she goes through.

I hate it when people give us so-called worse scenarios which they think are actually worse off.
Whatever we're doing, is highly inappropriate according to ethics of a family works.
It is not like we're underprivileged or something. It hurts most cos my mom could have, but would rather not because of petty details. She's not seeing the bigger picture. Where is her bloody sacrifice I ask. Funny how she tells us the 'buddha' tells us to see the bigger picture. I am sure I know buddha better than her.

So, my elder sis going to be part of the little celebration I have for her.
I had strategically planned everything just so my mother can come after her buddhist church commitments.
It is very unfair how on mother's day and her birthday, we have to cancel ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make sure we plan something for her. Much like a spoilt girlfriend who expect something every anniversary.
If we do, she'll have this look like "good. well done. that is the way" LIKE WE NEED HER APPROVAL. If we don't she'll go into fits and complain to all her friends and sisters to make us look bad. But she doesn't know that it just makes her look bad cos she has raised 'bad children'. She never appreciates those nice handmate/ sincerely cheap stuff we do. Things for her HAS to be measured in monetary quantity. The more expensive = more heart. She should be proud that we're not picking everything up from her. Or else we'll probably be single and spinsters in the future.

Her thing ends 7.30pm, fine that she doesn't want to skip her shit, but she tells me that she'll try to make it, and she sounded like those stupid mind games stupid girls like to play on guys...

Like "hey do you wanna go on a date?"
Girl: "Erm, I gotta check my schedule first..."
(But actually she is dying to go.)

My mom loves to mindfuck I don't know why. What has girls ate in their lifetimes to be like this? Full of shit and drama! I feel ashamed to be female. If I can chose again, I'd be a male. Less shit.Or so it seems.

It is so frustrating and it sucks cos everything falls onto me.
I don't wanna ruin my sister's birthday...
and my elder sister would not bother and take this shit.
If she hears this nonsense, she'll not come at all because she's not gonna give in to my mom's bullshit.
At the end of the day, the one weeping in her room will be my little sister.

Forget about the fact that I absolutely HATE people who tell me SEE HOW or put MAYBE in facebook events. I do not like people to tell me a WE'LL SEE when I have painstakingly organised everything. When people organise things, you should jolly well give them a firm answer as a sign of respect. Much less it is YOUR DAUGTHER'S birthday for buddha's sake.

For now I am assured she will come, just not sure when her royal ass will arrive.
So I delayed the time to 7pm just for her.
Cos I assume when she comes and the food is gone, she'll make a ruckus there.
She loves dramas cos she watches too much drama.
Who knows what drama she's going to give us there.

So sorry my boyfriend has to see all these bullshit.
(Oh yes. did i mention my mom does not give my boyfriend 'face'?)

To think all those wrinkles comes with maturity.

Luckily for my sisters, on my birthday, I'll just run away and dance in some clubs.

Brat Mom

2011-01-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

I don't get why it is all wrong and big deal when kids act like brats and in parenting forums there is 101 ways to tackle it, yet it is OK for parents to act like brats after menopause and there is NO way to tackle them except to give in? fucked up.

My mom is the biggest brat on earth, and it's not like we've been brats to her or anything.

Took the picture from this piece of crap by a pastor on raising a brat: http://www.turnbacktogod.com/14-ways-to-raise-a-brat/

QR Codes are fun

2011-01-07T00:29:00.000+08:00

try http://reader.kaywa.com to get ur reader.

Barbra Streisand!

2011-01-06T21:48:00.000+08:00

Ok so my stupid, crazy and juvenile middle-aged elder sister has an earworm called "Barbra Streisand".
She keeps doing the song and doesn't help that her friends do it too.

'Barbra Streisand' by Duck Sauce

This name 'Barbra Streisand' is wayy too familiar and I bet I have heard it somewhere.
I did a google search and realised that she is the actress that is in Meet the Fockers as the super sexy horny sex therapist, Mrs Focker. AWESOME!
I'm even more surprised that she's an accomplished singer, actor, songwriter, etc!
But she is hella funny and sexy at this age lol. (The Fockers are now grandparents!)

Here's a picture of her...

as a free-spirited sex therapist in Meet The Fockers

Anyway you can read about Duck Sauce yourself. Interesting name though.

I chanced into this video, which is the sample that we hear on the Duck Sauce song:

Fun right? Funny days are the past hahah.

And apparently even this is a cover of...

How surreal. HAHAHA.

and the most interesting thing...this single album art of Duck Sauce's version is this:

and it is a parody of the actual cover of Barbra Streisand's album Guilty.

with Barry Gibb

Fucking crazy.
anyway, have fun getting rid of your earworm!

Pastafarianism - A Religious Satire...

2011-01-05T23:39:00.000+08:00

I love pasta so much I should have no prob with this religion...at least it's a better headstart cos i love pasta more than god. LOL.
Wonder if they offer good pasta and wine during mass, like the bread and wine of god hoho.

read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

About Jerks and I am not anti-gay/lesbian.

2010-12-07T14:47:00.000+08:00

The word 'jerk' is gender neutral. People fail to see that it defines a contemptibly obnoxious person.

It never mentioned that it was meant for guys only.

Warning, the following is another of my bullshit philosophies in life and LGBT so if you are an anal prick, please GTFO.

Girls can be jerks too. Most of the times they are simply referred to as bitches, or sluts...usually because they are girly girls.

What do you call butches that act like total jerks like the males?
Simple.

JERKS!

I have met tons of butch-jerks.
Personally, if I am ever into a girl, I go for the girly-girls. If I want a guy, I will go for a real guy. But at times I am attracted to transsexuals too so... oh well..no point labeling.
I am not against butches, but it is just plain simple - I don't get attracted to them at all because anatomically, they are females, and I love playing with boobies. I mean, who doesn't.
Pussies comes with boobies, no boobies, then there shud be a penis. That how I am hard-hard wired.
Butches, not my thing, but I am not against butches.

Just let me disclaim again, I am NOT anti-gay, nor anti-butches.

I am plain anti-jerks.

And whenever I am against a lesbian relationship of my close friend, they think I am against lesbianism. The thing is I am well into it. It's just that they think that just because the butch is a girl in a disguise of a guy, she is incapable of acting and being a jerk like a real guy does.

Jerks are jerks.
and I am an expert jerk-detector. I will detect jerks, and trust me when I identify one.

My personal experience with jerk-butches are pretty bad. When with a me, a girl, they act all manly. It is ok to be gentlemanly, but not ok when you are a male-chauvinist trapped in a girl's body.
Trust me when I say we have ENOUGH male-chauvinist pigs, we don't need girls to join them.

I have even witnessed a butch whining to her male buddy that he was supposed to help her open that hard-to-open door cos she's essentially a girl. Personally, if you need help and help doesn't come, you ask for it. Guys are very simple people, they see that you behave like a guy, they treat you like one, doesn't matter if you dig girls or guys. They treat boys, butches, tom-boys and their kid sisters the same.

It is NOT TRUE to say that butches are like the more sensitive and caring kind of guys. NOT TRUE to say that they are the best of both worlds, you get a manly dude, but get all the benefits of an awesome girl BFF. I mean, this is a sweeping statement as crappy as me saying all butches are bad. We know it is NOT TRUE for both cases.

Why not true? Do you forget the reasons why we hate our annoying BFFs at times? Don't bullshit me and tell me that your relationship with your BFF is perfect. The imperfection is what that forges the friendship. These same problems, seldom surface if your BFF is a dude. Cos guys are hard-wired during their upbringing to be tolerant and BE A MAN. They'll most likely just 'aiya let u win'.

But the same side effects of having a dude-best friend, is that they are less cuddly or affectionate and less likely to accompany you to buy lingerie without fantasising, and less likely to share your passion of twilight and filly dresses... unless...unless your best bud is swinging the other side.

(Alright I know I am making a lot of sweeping statements, but we're talking about RULES, not exceptions so don't tell me about your exceptional friends.)

Some ex-girlfriends of mine, confused whether to be a butch or not, are privately super-jealous, super-whiny, and super attention seeking. I will forgive if they had boobies to let me play, but if not, I'd rather babysit guys, they are much simpler to handle, they're less whiny. They'll whine that I am not attentive enough, get jealous over my best male buddy, get jealous over my bestest girl friends...get jealous over everything.

I don't understand how guys can love girls. Girls are so hard to handle. That's why even I am a bisexual I have vowed never to get serious with girls.

Jerk-butches, like guys, cannot take no for an answer. They are sleazier than guys, and think that cos they are girls they get away with sexual harassment of girls. Proper guys don't put their hands all over you, some jerk butches do that just cos they think it is normal between girls. No. You're a butch, you're a guy to me...unless...i see you like a girl lol.

and when I tell them butches that I am not into butches, they'll interpret it as "I am not into lesbians" which is a pile of bull crap.

and it is NOT TRUE to say that butches always look better than guys. Well unless u are into guys with pussies then you are doing the right thing.

I can't stand it when straight girls go liking this poor handsome butch just cos she looks better, then dumps the butch cos she doesn't have the right parts and blames it on her character. Sounds crude, but I have witnessed these bitches do this shit to my handsome butch friend.

So, I am trying to say, of course there are exceptions, but the rule is, you do sometimes get twice the love from butches, but you get twice the drama you'll prolly get from guys cos, they are, afterall, GIRLS...and I have said a million times, GIRLS THRIVE IN THE DRAMA.
There is never a win-win solution for love, because love cannot be defined.

and if you are choosing the butch, your right reasons should be because you both are truly in love, and/or gender is not important and not because you believe that she is genetically a girl she can automatically give u less bullshit and more love. which is a bigger pile of bullshit. Just fucking don't think so much.

because... EVERYONE HAS THE EQUAL PERCENTAGE OF MUTATING INTO A JERK. so yea.

But at the same time, I have got really awesome as fuck butch friends. Some made the transition after we're friends, some are friends with me after the transition...I am not sure if they are happy to be outed here so I will not make examples. Let's just say they lack all the bullshit that I listed above, some I treat as guys, some I treat as girls. Cos they know I am BULLSHIT-PROOF.

'cos WE WANT IT BAD!

2010-12-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

Today, I asked my 11 year old student how it feels like to be an only child and it digressed into something pretty interesting and funny...

Me: "How does it feel to be an only child?"

Boy: "Great, cos I don't have to share anything with anyone else."

Me: "Won't you feel lonely? Cos I was when I was little...and I nearly went mad talking to myself all the time."

Boy: "Hmm, I go to child-care centre all the time anyway."

Me: "I see..."

*continues with tuition...

Boy: "I want a dog really badly."

Me: "Why?"

Boy: "I want a small dog."

Me: "Why? There's many responsibilities and you won't be free to do so, especially next year."

Boy: "I don't care, I really want a dog, I just want a dog. I hate cats but I love dogs."

Me: "Ok then, (sarcastically) I want a baby, I WANT A BABY, I don't care, I just want it. I shall get myself pregnant or adopt one."

Boy: *giggles* "I know... I'm just saying, I just feel that I want a dog really badly."

I don't really want to have a baby now, I mean I want but I don't really know how to take care of it, nor am I sure that I am able to give it a decent life.

I thought my answer was a very unorthodox way of showing my student that a doggie is a life too, no point having it and making its life miserable and void of his love/interest after a few months...and also showing him that the responsibilities doesn't come much cheaper than the dog.

He was giggling all the way. The must be thinking that I am a crazy teacher.
Oh well, my message got across.

If Designers are Artists, so are DJs.

2010-11-21T15:10:00.000+08:00

[insert some übercool photograph/picture]

-but I'm not gonna because everyone else likes to do so.

If Designers are considered Artists,
then DJs are definitely Musicians.
Stop being discriminatory, everyone.

Tackling that werid PSLE 2010 Science Question...

2010-11-17T10:32:00.001+08:00

Ok, my student told me that this one question in PSLE Science this year (2010) is pretty tricky.

I don't think it is tricky, just that it is a lot of common sense.
Then again, everyone's common sense is different, depending on each one's general knowledge...

I hope my student thought of it.

Says the question tells the student that he/she is trapped in a forest, given a plastic sheet (did not elaborate if it is a flexible one or rigid one) and there is foliage around, how can he/she obtain water for consumption?

Great question. But I bet the average student who's into princesses and gundam probably wouldn't know the answer.
But if you read enough and watch Discovery/National geographic enough, or have a peculiar interest in Survival knowledge like me, chances are you'll get lucky.

I've dug through my sister's collection of SOS Survivial books and have found the following information.

Note that the books are too thick to be scanned by my printer without being damaged, I took a photo and filled out the words manually.

Check it out kiddos...

Tell me wad do u think :)

Boredom Induced Sexual Creativity Explosion

2010-10-28T05:23:00.002+08:00

It was one of the boring nights at Giovanna's chalet, waiting for day break.
The boys were starting to have red eyes, and the girls have all knocked out, probably with the exception of Giovanna herself.

Perhaps due to her elation of turning twenty-one in celebratory means, she witnessed the creation...

***DISCLAIMER***

Highly explicit and realistic sculptures of sexual genitals.

Please stop reading if you are considered a minor or it offends your beliefs.

It started because Giovanna was reluctant to remove the epic backdrop we had put up for her, but she did anyway, because she'd rather keep them.
She returned the massive blob of blutack to me because my boyfriend has kindly sponsored it.

Feeling bored and nothing better to do... the few of the boys started shaping penises out of the blutacks.
Complaining that they didn't look realistic, I decided to make better ones.
It must be the lack of penis viewing or that penises are generally hard to maketh, I failed terribly, harder than the guys. (this wasn't a pun lol).

Fredrik kindly helped me to shape it to perfection, in which I returned my gratitude by asking him if that is the look of his penis LOL!
(This was totally done to make sure he feels 100% uncomfortable.)
Fredrik, being used to my crapola, replied that he was doing a generic penis.

I complained that the penis was too short and too thick, and the balls weren't large enough cos I wanted my phallus to be OF BALLS.
I proceeded to perform penis lengthening on that blutack phallus.

Something this weren't right and it lacked something.
It lacked hair.

So I broke off Giovanna's sister's pencil leads without her permission,
and promptly added them to the balls as hair...lol...

It still didn't look realistic...
I got Fred to roll out thin stips of blutacks to make veins...

There, I finally got perfection.
It was so imperfect that it looks perfect.

Then I went ahead and made a vagina.

I recall a picture of an ingenious multi-coloured vagina cupcakes...
and had that in my mind when I made it...

http://img.skitch.com/20101027-q228iaqid783dxyn8gdp1qumk3.jpg

In my mind I wanted to make pretty unique and ugly looking vagina,

cos I convinced myself that all vaginas look ugly, only cute to ppl in love with each of it.

So somehow, I guess I created the perfect vagina in my eyes.

Maybe I should keep this picture just in case, you know, I might consider vaginoplasty hehehehe!

A diagram for your knowledge so you'd know what I'm talking about.

First, I made the Labia Minora, 2 simple asymmetrical flat flabs...a little wrinkly...

Then I made 2 thick rolls for the fleshy Labia majora.

I made it fleshy because I recall my best mate Nicholas mentioning that men loves them fleshy, which is seconded by my boyfriend (Hongrui, not Fred*, in case u are wondering) too. So I assumed the fleshier the better? Like buns and peaches? hehe.

(Fredrik is a "boyfriend-approved" male brudder whom I can do creative stuff with. I assume I will not be blamed! My bf has great faith in me! of course we're not sick enough to role play with it. It'll be DAMN GEY LOL. fred and everyone else thinks I am not a girl.)

But after that there was a weird hole in the center, so I filled it up with 2 more smaller rolls just like the membranes inside... which includes the very highly regarded hymen, and the rest like ureter and urethra...I made it ambiguous whether it was a virgin or not cos I don't think that is the main focus.

Surprisingly the penis and vagina in our minds were sexually aroused ones.

I don't need to elaborate how an erected penis looks like, but you can go look for the unerected one, with foreskin and all.

Here is a picture of an aroused vagina vs. one at rest:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Female_sexual_arousal.JPG

(open at your own discretion!)

Our genital sculptures are obviously aroused ones lulz.

Anyway, the fan was blowing, which gave me the idea of making those fluids.

Go ask your parents wad fluids they are lol.

They quiver as the fans blow!!!

Anyway, enjoy the gallery.

It will be Fred and my wish if we could get a sponsor to do this as a larger-than-life full scale interactive art installation (mmm sounds sexciting right?) cos we had many concepts and ideas behind how it will be installed, with audio and visual aids and effects...not disclosing here in fear of dumb fuck plagiarizers.

The both of us feel that not every time something sexual is plastered on the wall it is considered art,

but we have every right to realise this conceptualized art hehe!

Maybe we could start with cement LOL!

Don't u love them fleshy bits?

Lol I admit the vagina fluid isn't thaaaat nice looking.

Haha!

The Cockteaser.

lulz.

Aw man so near yet so far hurhurhur.

But girls, never underestimate the velocity of an ejeculation!

Might be the epic mistake of your life!

and here is 2 epic videoes in HD for your viewing pleasure to end it off...

Do take note of the fluid glistening under my camera flash lol!!!

Bad Behaviour.

2010-10-26T03:49:00.000+08:00

I really cannot tolerate bad behaviour at all, especially when it is extremely inappropriate at people's important affairs.

I am not really in the best position to complain as it isn't my big day, but I guess I have the rightful authority to talk shit about this because Giovanna's birthday was mainly organised by me and I had put in a lot of planning, working and effort into it. I am not saying that the rest are any lesser than me, but I think I have provided invaluable help to her and it was almost like it was my event.

First of all, I have decided to publicly blog this out without sparing a thought for the person's feelings because this particular person has not spared a thought about our feelings at all, nor had she heeded or considered any of the previous advices. I don't know how to talk to her anymore, nor would I ever talk to her about it, because we both know that talking to her properly like a sane person will get NOTHING into her.

Giovanna has not want to talk about it because she treasures you deeply as a friend, and that these things are 'small matters' to her. And she is too kind to say it in your face or what so ever.

I hope you are reading this Yoke Lian and your merry making friends, because, I am not Giovanna. I will not spare you nor your friends.

First of all, we always try our best to meet you out just to listen to your dramatic affairs single-handedly created by you, and we really don't mind it at all cos we care. I really think you're a nice company and a sincere and genuine person and friend.

However, doesn't mean that you have issues in life, you can pretend that the whole world revolves around you, and let everyone else take your shit, or be responsible for you dumb fucking actions.

I understand you are having relationship and career problems, but I really think it is time for you to get your act together.

I will list down the number of bullshit you have directly thrown at Giovanna, and had left her feeling very disappointed, dejected and annoyed at you.

First incident.
When we were at Daiso Sengkang, we got you to come down from your flat to do the birthday decorations with us, and you mentioned that you had some form to fill up regards to work. Ok, understood. But please do not lie to us and tell us that you can come and meet us in a matter of minutes when you cant even in 2 hours. We have already told you that we need to leave in 2 hours time as we have other errands to make. We do not have our lives revolving around you.
If you cannot commit, do not promise. And don't pay lip service saying things like you regret that you cannot be part of this more.

Second incident.
We understand that you have work on Friday and we were only expecting you at the chalet after 5pm.
But you gave us great hope and news that you didn't work because you didn't 'feel well' in the morning and you might just be able to pop over by 2pm. Gio told you to meet me at my house, you didn't call me to make arrangements, nor did you appear at all. We had to personally call you after I met Giovanna at 2plus. You didn't pick your calls, but you did call after that.
We made a total of 4 trips to areas all over sengkang and hougang that is convenient for you, and wanted to give you a lift to the rural chalet. But you didn't make it, and didn't have the courtesy to tell us you cannot, nor gave us a reason for that.

Third Incident.
By the time you called again, we're done with unloading all the shit at the chalet, we told you that we will be going to tampines mall for dinner and buying groceries. Gio was worried the whole time, afraid that you might head to the chalet on your own and get lost. When Gio called you up and asked where you were, you were only in Daiso finally running her errand when we specifically told you it is ok, we don't need it anymore. We already told you we've bought the garlands a few days ago. Nothing went into your head. You even had the cheek to ask if everyone is here. You do not need to know if everyone is around to get your ass down to help. I thought you said you were guilty? FUCK IT.

Fourth Incident.
Thanks for the instant noodles and stuff, but also thanks for the lies that you had to draw money.
I bet you didn't know that one of Gio's friends told us that you went to buy cigarettes and then sneaked out to meet your butch friend and smoke with her. Please do not assume that it is in the gentleman's books to make men wait for you for no fucking reason. Again, the world does not revolve around you.
We were also waiting for your fuckshit ass at the bloody taxi stand, and I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR CHEAP LIES.

Fifth Incident.
Back at the chalet, you were supposed to help me to do the pinning of the flowers. Thanks for your help, but you were busy BBMing away, and when I wasn't looking, you'd sit around and watch TV and BBMing. Definitely not appropriate.

6th Incident
I do not like how you promised Gio to be around and stay for company, you told your butch friend that the place is boring. And you even had the cheek to tell me that your butch friend came because you said it was boring. Personally, I have no issues with your lesbianism. I have issues with YOU.
I do not know your butch friend personally, but it is due to what you have said to me about her that I have certain impressions about her, and at the current mindset of yours, I do not approve of your relationship with her, mainly because I feel she does not deserve to be your rebound or to pick things up after you because I feel that she is true. And due to this and your personality, I will not have you to allow your butchfriend enter the chalet and have the both of you cosying up and making gio uncomfortable.
This, you should ALREADY understood. But you didn't. She came, and you decided to just go out the whole time to smoke with her. Hey, I left my bf home too alright. I didn't get distracted and kept smsing him either. I don't understand why you can't do the same. And you even went off to Changi with her. Oh how appropriate.

And thinking back, I think your butch friend was here all along. You think you can just lie and manipulate us?
Told you she can't come, her being outside and you going off doesn't make it better.

Just fuck off?

7th Incident.
I do not appreciate your binge drinking, nor your pretense that you weren't drunk.
Nor the fact that due to your drunkenness you smudged the henna I did for you 3x. It is absolutely not funny. I did it for you for free, doesn't mean it was easy, and doesn't mean that you can just fuck it up and get me to do it again. If you cannot treasure it, you do not deserve my fucking henna.

7th Incident.
I do not appreciate your binge smoking either. While I am busy tending to the vomitting drunk folks, I had all the interest for you to force you to hydrate yourself. You fucking wasted the precious chilled water we saved up by refusing to drink, wait, no, you drank and spit it out countless times.
I was just this close to slapping your dumb fuck bimbo face.

8th Incident.
Do not appreciate you kicking me nor taking up the whole bed.
Nor the fact that Gio's sis told you to cut the loud music for 5x which you re-on it 5x.
Already told you Gio's sister will be sharing. Poor girl didn't even dare waking me up.

9th Incident.
While we were out on errands and the others decorating, you fucking hell slept all the way till 5pm when we are back. Well fucking done. But luckily you redeemed yourself slightly by helping out here and there.

10th Incident.
As close friends of Gio, we are automatically slaves for her bday, not supposed to have a rest at all.
I am the sleep deprived person, and I don't see myself stopping nor slowing down. I know you have to smoke, but you smoke and socialise and slack off. Ask yourself how many times I had to go around looking for you. Especially the time when we had to take the shift to fry things, you went off saying you need to get water. You fucked off and went smoking for the fucking long time. FUCK YOU.

11th Incident.
Merry making and drinking all over again when all of us are cleaning the fuck out of the chalet.
If your butchfriend saw your cheap act, she'll not be so nice to wait up for u outside. You do not deserve her.
Get this right, we are not guests. You cannot misbehave like the others.

12th Incident.
Fucking off right after the fucking party, misbehaving, inconsiderate, so many things. I don't think you are guilty at all for ruining her mood. She got pissed on Fri and you weren't better on Sat.

I would expect a sincere and full blown apology (knowing really what is wrong) or you can just fuck off from our lives.

Shikamaru loves metal.

2010-10-13T14:21:00.000+08:00

Lol.

I got this screen-capture when he was doing his kage-mane no jutsu.

Ahhhhhh.

I am otaku.

Enlightening words from friends of other religions...

2010-10-11T06:13:00.000+08:00

It is a really pleasant feeling to be enlightened by a subtle, patient and reasonable friends who are from various religions that I usually violently object to.

Which made me realise...

Every religion and their believers face almost all the same challenges, insults, and probably prejudices against them.
They usually teach the same kind of values, in different means, different stories, different methods...and they have the same permutations of black sheep...

So sometimes, it is good to take of the glasses of prejudice, and listen...

It might provide a better insight :)

Worst Dream of my Life.

2010-09-11T15:53:00.000+08:00

(Disclaimer: My little sis is not dead, I just had an extremely vivid dream of her death.)

Today, I woke up from a dream that depicted my younger sister's death.

Apparently, she had gone to some 3rd World country to do some voluntary work as how she'd always want to.
My mom wasn't too keen about overseas trips, so as usual, I had to do the convincing.

She finally relented and thus my sister flew over.

The vivid parts was that we rushed over to a scene which I cannot recall, but could be her school or a hospital.
The place was decorated like a shrine and in memory of the lost.
They had categories like the dead ones, and the missing ones.

A landside or mudslide has occurred at the site, and about 6 students from the same school/class was dead.
The horror struck me and my mom when the photo of my cute chubby sister confirmed her death.
I was so distraught that I kept asking the personnel (not sure if she was a teacher or a medical personnel) if she is still in the emergency or really dead, they shook their heads...

I was hysterical and was making everyone tell me that my sister was missing and not dead, and had became quite a nuisance at the scene but I really didn't care. I just needed that glimmer of hope that she might be alive.

I was asked to verify her corpse or something and all I did was to yell and almost slapped that woman.
I refused to accept that my sister had died and I don't believe she died on us.

The worst shit the hospital or wadever had to pull on us was to show me a series of corpses that are caked with mud and abrasions and asked us one by one if it was my sister.

One good thing was that every one of the corpses was too skinny to be her.

I didn't eventually see her corpse because apparently they speculated that it was on another floor.

My mom was already too distraught and I can't really be bothered at all on her side yet.

When the people there had to drag me away and gave me a cup of water to drink, I started tearing.
I screamed and yelled really loud till my throat hurt because it alleviated my pain for a while...or so I thought.

I started thinking about how she's mess my room up and make my room smell like a pig sty,
or how she'd make me angry making a mess on my macbook, always taking my things and ruining them.
It struck me really bad how it'll all stop, but I really rather my room stink of her.
At least I will still have her.

I was so angry with everything, god, or whatever.
Angry at nice folks who tried telling me she is in the good hands of the Lord,
but I yelled back...

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Why would the fucking god take her away?
She has worked sooooo hard for everything, never succumbing to so-called "fat genes" or "can't study genes".

I'd rather be the one who died, I don't really try very hard in life. I was always happy-go-lucky.
How can god take her away when she volunteered to make lives better at a god-forsaken place?

I was blaming myself further because I was the one who made mom allow her to go.
I am always taking her safety for granted, especially when she comes home late.

I made jokes like kidnappers would find lighter kids to kidnap,
or that she could body-slam any perpetrators...

I never really thought about sudden deaths like maybe car-accidents or fire breakouts...
I totally take her for granted.

She's really a sweet girl who bothers to take care of me when I am sick, she's sometimes my slave when I need her to be, she'll help me with projects and hand-made gifts I make for people, she was there to stroke my head on the first time I got dumped by a guy. She'll make me hot stuff when I have menstrual cramps.
She always behave like an elder sister cos I am so hopeless.

And still, sometimes I yell shit at her just because I don't exactly feel rosy.

I have dead grandparents, dead really close friend, and a dead dear mentor.
But nothing compares to this dream of my sister dead.

We always dreamt that our dear aunt that we're affectionate to dead, we cried but I never felt half as bad as this.

I started thinking about the people who had lost a direct relative.

Their faces, their tears, their words, we can never imagine it.
These are the times when words fail.
It is something only through experience that we will learn. Pain that is.
But I wish I will never learn of it.

Even after I wake up, or that I am writing this now, my heartaches worse than any heartbreaks in my life.
I have teared so much that my eyes feel swollen and I cannot stop making my boyfriend hug me.

I have just realised that today is 9/11 and maybe something is trying to make me learn about this episode, and bring my empathy to the next level. I sincerely feel the pain of the loved ones of the deceased. I didn't write this drama just because it was 9/11, I went on facebook to realise it is 9/11. I don't even know why I dream of such a cruel death for my sister.

Sudden deaths are the worst. They leave no time for loved ones to anticipate their deaths, and leave them hanging distraught. They are they worst heartaches.
But amidst our heartaches, I hope that the deceased is too dead to feel any heartaches. Because I would suppose that their heartaches will be worse than any living's.

What really scares me is that 2 weeks before the death of my dear drum teacher Wayne, I dreamt of him.
Same thing happened with every single one of my dead grand parents.
I woke up today feeling extremely terrified and shaken, afraid that my dream might be precognitive again.
Just like how my dreams of my dead loved ones always tell a message.

(If you know me enough, you will hear of how they'd appear and messages I rely relieves the deceased loved ones, and my parents make me do rituals to 'seal' such abilities.)

I really hope that this is not fucking true.
If not I will assassinate wadever god there is up there.

My head fucking hurts from crying too much.
No, I DO NOT HAVE PMS.

I am barely home...

2010-08-13T04:32:00.000+08:00

Every night, if I bump into my mom, she demands for money.

I don't earn a lot just yet, just enough for basic entertainment and necessities.

My love life doesn't affect my finances at all.

Luckily my bf and I are low-maintenance people.

Well not him. He buys tons of CDs but never touches my money.

Plus, I intend to save up for my education (possibly my younger sis' too) which she deemed "not worth investing" & the same money she splurged it all on trips and useless branded bags she'll heap up at home.

And I suppose even if I were to enter NIE just because they pay me to study and the government is nice enough to pay for my studies, I will still need some money to set aside, in case I need a new laptop...which I suspect it will crash really soon.

Why would I give money to a woman who has spent away everything my dad and I has saved for all our lives? And why should I give her money when she she yells "Still need to study?" when I told her I intend to further my studies?

And, the most troubling fact is...Dad happily told me that my younger sis' education should be fine cos he has saved 5 figures.

Mom says it is only 4 figures.

Who to believe?

Well I chose to believe that my dad did not lie. Cos he doesn't indulge in extravagant travels overseas, and buys leather bags excessively.

I really don't wanna think about, nor put hopes in that bank of my sister's...

If she ever needs money to study, I'd rather carry the bank loan on my shoulders.

Sometimes I feel that, my mom chose to give birth to my younger sister,

she is HER responsibility.

We are no longer in the era which the elder siblings will NEED to pay for the younger ones just because our parents are incapable of family planning.

There she goes to buddhist churches advising others how to be a successful parent, and how to adapt to children's trends. Pui.

Personally, I will help my sister because I love her, and I do not want to let her feel this stress I am going through. I do not mind if my life sucks cos I am lazy and have only 3 minutes worth of passion.

Whilst I am happy that my younger sister takes pride in scoring good grades and planning her future.

But I really HATE the way my mom pushes HER responsibility, that is my younger sis, into mine.

What about my life.

I hate it even more that now she demands that I pay for her phone bills or her tuition fees.

If my life was destined to support her, then, why not I get myself pregnant at 14?

I feel bad to my sister, so I do not rant in her face.

I do not want to make her feel unwanted.

I would love to provide for her.

But I HATE how my mom pushes her duty away.

Anyway, I will make sure she will never sit and cry and be at a loss like I am now.

I want to let her know and feel that I can help her to pave her path to a successful career.

I feel really at a loss because, I am stuck in this revelation during a trip to the library, that my real passion is pretty much still in the arts.

Will I be really contented being a government drone?

Then again, I really love to teach.

Even if I want to take up an arts degree, then teach,

I know I do not have the money to do that degree anyway.

Yehying's parents has bought her education insurance.

I recall my mom said that she will not buy it because we have enough money when I was younger. What bullshit.

I have planned my entire life trying to be a kick-ass designer.

But after I started speculating that my mom has spent my money,

I kind of lost the drive to do everything.

I don't want to continue going to school back in poly days.

I don't wanna be any shit designer already.

Because I am not sure if I can even earn.

And things went downhill after that.

I feel that parents should always try to give the best they can for their children,

and not try to stuck them out dry and leave them to fend for themselves.

I even found out that the insurance my mom bought for us are strictly beneficial to her, in the event of our deaths, and in the event of our misfortune.

I do not see how it insures us.

I had this thinking, that if I ever make it big in the future,

my mother do not deserve my kindness,

I will do my part to keep her basic necessities sufficient.

But I will not spoil her nor give her treats.

I never really recalled her giving me treats from her own pockets,

or from her own heart.

All I could remember is my dad's money, and my aunties' little gestures of love.

And tons of understanding and empathy from my equally in-pain elder sister.

I feel that it is shitty to know that I am not able to do what I really want because of her mistake.

Or maybe it was my mistake to be born out of her womb.

I was tricked all my life thinking my future is secured.

If my parents were poor and desolate, I would have strove and done something about it earlier.

I really regret knowing it only now.

Now I am so lost, that I am simply living each day,

smiling at ATMs every time I save money like crazy.

I really hate how self-righteous people keep telling me off that there are worse off people?

Well at least they can hate their parents wholesale, they can work hard if they already knew their lives sucked from the beginning.

I am stuck here, pretending to my mom that I am not aware of her mischief...

Because if she is aware of my awareness, she will probably start spending my little sister's money, and chase me to my elder sister's place.

I should probably make use of her as much as I can.

Did I mention that she will make me come out of my bedroom just to get the remote control that is right in front of her?

Or pour water for her? Or change her Korean DVDs every time she is done with one? Or make me teach her computer skills which I had done like a million times while she behaves like a defeatist child EVERY TIME?

I am just so sick and tired of seeing her and doing things for her.

What for? She is able-bodied. She just loves to make use of us.

Even my younger sister comes up with some lies to go out just so that she could study in peace at her friends' place.

and me?

I stay at my boyfriend's place 5 out of 7 days a week.

1 day, I will dedicate to accompany my lonely sister staying all by herself.

I feel like I am an under-pressured water dam, full of tears to release,

but if I were to release, many people will be affected by the floods I might cause.

I do not know how long I can hold out.

Zouk Direct Mailers

2010-08-13T03:49:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.
I've been knowingly collecting them for awhile, seems that there is no way you can register for direct mailers from Zouk.

Mine are basically from my sister. She has no use for them, I use them for design inspiration :)

They do really great job, and are pretty.
Best of all, they come in suites.
I love sets.

I just got around sharing some that is in my bag of letter...

Sorry for low quality. Too lazy to scan.

Chronological order, not sure if my sis threw some away...

First, they have these series that are inspired by those old school chinese packaging:

Vintage Cheena Series

"Dance Remedy Special Crest 特别饰章"

There's like this 'ah ma' on headphones and a...CD Player?

Like the "Axe Brand" Medicated Oil :D

A Mao-Zedong lookalike and headphones, and some disco-balls.

Like the 3-Legged Brand Cooling Water!

Tiger Brand Ointment right? :D


They are ALL SO CUTE!

They all kinda look like those wrappers for the packages for the things we burn for the dead folks in Hungry Ghost Festival though haha!

By the way, all the "Stamps of Approval" are all in gold hot foil print.

But I really loved the fusion.
Once I saw this, I thought of Pat Law's GOODSTUPH straightaway!
I recall she mentioned she is a sucker for old school vintage cheena designs like these.

Next, we have the QR Code series.
For their "Translating Sounds" season.
They are old war era photographs wih QR codes integrated all over them.
Apparently, we're supposed to scan them and receive exclusive invites from Zouk.

There are weather elements and those old school 'lens flare' (cos their flash back then were so strong!)

Can you 'spot' the QR codes? :D
Download your QR code reader here: The Kaywa Reader

Next, the vinyl package-like Disco Rink Rollin' series...
They all looked aged and has friction wear like old vinyl records.
But reading the back tells me that they have a customised Disco Rink...
Hmmmm...I have no idea what that is. Too old for me to get it.

But very nice nevertheless! :D

They are like vinyl albums ain't it? Except for the size of course.
I have this very "Hung-Up" (Madonna's MTV) feeling.
Apparently, the designers are great cos the whole idea was the "rollin' good times" and there was old school arcade games with popcorns and cheerleaders. Well I mean, I belong to the 'junk-food-like-Potato-chips-era'. LOL

Next, incomplete, and my favourite...

WFSG (Worldwide Festival) Series

Looks plain don't they?

But what I really really loved...

Is that every bubble you see on the left mailer,

is SPOT-VARNISHED and the rest of the paper is grainy!!!

And the one on the right,

the rays are all SPOT VARNISHED TOO!

To me, sometimes the printing process and design comes hand-in-hand.

I cannot feel orgasmic if it is plain genius design.

Some texture will give me...

finger orgasms.

It's like damn shiok when you touch them.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE PRINTS AND DIRECT MAILERS!

Check out my OLDDDDD post on HP's awesome Direct-Mailer for their 'Colouritis' Campaign!

http://cynnedcynnerproductions.blogspot.com/2008/10/hp-marketing-rocks-colouritis.html

New Student from China...

2010-06-15T16:04:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...
I just came back from teaching a PRC boy from Henan.

He is 10 this year (born in 2000) but he is attempting to enter P3 next year,
and sit for some MOE proficiency test in September.

My mission is to help him pass that test in September...

But I wonder if I can help him make it.

He could only do ABC till D...and can't do the lower cases.
He doesn't know how to say numbers in English,
and even his Chinese is heavily accented.

I came to his house with Primary 1 notes and worksheets according to the brief from his mom...
I think I need to buy kindergarten books instead...

I was suggesting to his mom to send him to P1 instead,
She mentioned that he is too old for that and it is up to me.

We'll have 1.5hr lessons EVERYDAY and the poor boy can't seem to be able to cope our first hour tho.
He'll probably forget everything...but I'll not give up...cos he is a diligent boy...

I wrote chinese notes next to everything I wrote in English,
and he can't understand my chinese, I can't understand his more. Haha.

He did want an english name, and since there was a 'Long' (as in Dragon) in his name and he ADORES Jackie Chan, I suggested that he should adopt the name. (Plus it seems to be the only English name he knows and the only one he could pronounce well.)

ARGHHHHHH GIMME STRENGTH!!!

MOH's Response to my Compliments Letter

2010-06-10T13:35:00.000+08:00

This is pretty fun hehehe...

**********************************************************************************

from MOH_QSM@moh.gov.sg
to CynnedCynner@gmail.com
cc moh_qsm@moh.gov.sg
date 10 June 2010 09:36
subject PQ-10-001968-Compliments for marketing efforts for organ donation
hide details 9:36 AM (3 hours ago)

Dear Cynthia,

We refer to your compliments below.

We are glad that you liked our marketing efforts for the organ donation. Your message will certainly act as a booster to our team at MOH. For your suggestion, we will certainly consider it.

Once again, our sincere thanks.

We wish you good health and happy birthday in advance.

Yours sincerely,
John Heng
for Quality Service Manager
Ministry of Health, Singapore

===================================================================

Customer Name: Cynthia Lim
Email: CynnedCynner@gmail.com
Telephone: ********
Case submitted Date: 09-Jun-2010 05:49:00

Subject: Service issues (e.g. complaints, etc)
Comments:

Hi MOH!

I wanted to leave a nice thank you note but all I see on the feedback page is complaint forms, etc. Relax a little bit! Give people like me some space for positivity!

Anyway, I am turning 21 soon and thank you (and your creative team) so much for the nice and warm direct mailer with a FREE Nets Flashpay card. I think it is a very awesome gesture, and make us feel appreciated, unlike how the older folks think that it is forced down our throats. :) Just too bad they aren't born in my year. :D

There are a lot of myths circling around saying that by being an organ donor, our medical personnel will not work as hard just so we could donate, but I am sure it will not happen in Singapore, or any sane person trying to save a life.

So my suggestion is, instead of just having Mr. Heart Recipient Jason Ho give a heart felt note, I think it is equally important to debunk urban legends surrounding this organ donating thing. Not every one has faith like I do!

I did a blog post about this: http://cynnedcynnerproductions.blogspot.com/2010/06/organ-donor-by-default.html

Thanks once again!

Cheers,
Cynthia

Mom's birthday

2010-06-06T05:57:00.001+08:00

At iciban...simple yet damn filling...

An Organ Donor By Default

2010-06-03T00:02:00.000+08:00

My birthday is coming in July and I just received a mail from the government.

It tells me that I am turning 21 soon and I will automatically be an organ donor by default.

This came in the mail. Pretty thick...

I think it is a good thing, because, if it had given me a choice, my parents would be strongly against it,
for god know what kinda shit superstitious reasons.
I've always expressed my will to donate my organs for the needy and maybe research,
but they'd be so mad everytime.
(I think it is something got to do with incomplete body will have some shit afterlife thingy.)
Because of this, my parents are also by default organ donors. They also lan lan. haha

There was a cover letter, explaining, booklet in 4 languages
so I'll know what I am getting into, and a card.

Organ Donor Card? Look again!

I was about to ignore this card cos I thought it was one of those random plastic pledge cards like those we had for anti-drug abuse when we were kids...but no...

IT'S A NETS FLASHPAY CARD!!!

(that doubles up as ezlink card)

If anyone does not want to be an organ donor,

they could fill up a red form that is included in the letter.

I used to be so rock-steady about donating my dead body for the love of science.

I took out the yellow form below and was ready to fill my details in,

and the moment befall on me...

Images of my body being sliced up and all that shit.
What if they laugh at my body parts...what nots...

I know that everyone would say that, "You're a dead body anyway."

Ya ya ya ya ya ya...
When you are gonna sign it, it is different.
so shuddup.

Some note from a heart recipient.

Kinda makes it easier to feel ok about this.

Often, I've heard rumours that paramedics and people from the health sector will tend to not try their best to save you because they'd rather donate it to the needy. Or something like harvest your organs before you die. I bet many people will need to sign many documents to get such scam to go through.

I think it is utter bullshit because I do not think that any sane human being would give up on the life of the struggling right in front of their face.
And I think that anyone who might give up should probably be crazy, and also sacked for negligence of practice.

And it is not like I will definitely be brain dead or some shit like that. But if I did, then I think it is ok to give to someone else. I don't care.

The government has made it such a easy 'rite of passage' for us by tying up with Nets Flashpay to give us a Nets Flashpay card.

Although it has $0 cash in it, I am still glad to have it cos I would have needed to purchase it.
And I now have an extra ezlink!
I also agree that organ donating should be voluntary, and no one should be paid to do it.

Sucks to be those one year older than me haha. I heard they didn't get this.

But I think this is a great idea, I have no second thoughts about donating my organs hahaha!

My older insists that I give it to her lol.

I'm tired too...

2010-05-03T21:21:00.005+08:00

Today is the first day of my work without my patient upperstudy.
Strangely, things didn't really turn out well...

There are circumstances which never occurred during my week-long training under her...
and I forgot a lot of things...which resulted in me running up and down the place to retrieve and return things...

Thankfully, my superiors were also very patient, and filled me up on things that I have forgotten probably due to nervousness. They also helped me when I seemed overloaded with work.

I am glad to report that I got quicker with data logging, and random other confidential work shit that I am not supposed to disclose...

I also had to go through 3 toilet runs for a series of minor diahorrea.

but it was also shit that we had to comb 2 departments just to look for a folder which someone misplaced.

The lift was also full of shit because it is too damn slow, which resulted in me climbing and decending stairs on heels.

Just as the heavens thought that my day wasn't bad enough, I broke out in a bad flu...
I sneezed till I felt that my throat threatened to shoot out due to the pressure.
Headache and fever kicked in...and it was about an hour more before my knock off time...

But my work was not finished, so I ended everything at about 5.30...and my superior told me that I could take a sick leave tomorrow if I am still unwell tomorrow.

I had also cancelled my tuition this evening because it is irresponsible to infect my poor student with my virus, and pure evil especially his exams is next Monday.

and I had a response from his mother calling me every minute to express her displeasure at my 'last minute' canceling of tuition. She asked why didn't I tell her earlier. I told her the moment I felt MOST unwell, with every thought to teach her son tonight. Not for her, but for this bright and hardworking boy.
To be really honest, every evening she holds me back pretty much, it tires me to bits...but to give her some credit, the situation has improved a lot, and I get paid for extensions...sometimes...

I am apologetic, but I really did not like her tone, or the way she put it as though I cared for the other student more and was being unfair to her son who is having his exams soon. I am very much aware of it but I cannot help it. My other student is having exams too, and it is unfair to heed her suggestion, which is to request to cancel the other student's Science tuition.

Neither would I call up the other student's mom to negotiate for another time slot, because it is unfair to them too. So I told her, I'll have tuition with her, after my work and the other student, about 8.30 pm on Thursday.

I know I'll be beat, but there is nothing else I can do.

Feeling all shit up and at the verge of collapsing, I called up my boyfriend to tell him that I needed to rest at his house tonight, and I am not working tomorrow because I am sick...

Reason being I won't be able to rest at home because my mother would be making me do all sorts of service to her regardless if I am ill or not.

I met him at the MRT station, I was so happy to see him that all my negative feelings were nullified, and told him all about my student's mother's preposterous demands and attitude.

Anyway my head was throbbing so badly in pain that I had to request for him to sit (cos he hates to sit in trains) so that I could lay my head on his shoulders....and I fell asleep...

I woke up at his station and some freakidom has decided that the soles of my heels have to give way.
I really have no luck with heels I swear. To think I used to adore them back in secondary school.

I took out my heels and walked barefooted. I held my heels, and had to take a sarcastic stab from my bf 'complimenting' my kindness because unlike most girls, I won't make my boyfriend carry the shoes.
I overlooked it because it is his usual sense of sarcastic humour anyway...

But he didn't want to hold my hands though I was trying to avoid painful sand particles/ glass shards that might be on the floor. Probably it is because my hands are dirty from wiping mucus from my runny nose...I had no tissue you see...

But he could have walked a tad slower...he was in front, and even if I fell, he wouldn't notice.
I was just so disappointed.

When he helped me to order my food (chap chai png), he nearly got an order wrong, and I raised my voice in irritation because he was not listening, and even when I said it is wrong, he just chose to add in that other thing I initially wanted.

I do not want that extra thing. I want it removed, and replaced...he didn't even take a moment to listen at all. It is such a drastic difference from the then super-attentive boyfriend I had.

I understand, he is tired... Back when I was not working, he claimed I couldn't understand.
But now I am working, and having tuition almost everyday after work, I did not put my fatigue as an excuse for the lack of love, care and concern for him.

If he has to use effort to show his love. I think it is pointless. Even pets know how to hop excitedly at the return of their master. I was hard for me to even get a sincere hug. Love should be expressed effortlessly out of the heart.

I would totally pardon him if he was some woodblock. But it was not like this.
Why do you think he won over some guy who was equally attentive plus rich and all that?
I loved how he treasured me, every moment, and every roll of fat I had.

I tired to be really understanding and not push him about this. It seems that many of my friends are facing this issue too. My advice to them is to talk to their mates...but I apparently failed at this part.

I am so disappointed that I stopped trying altogether.

When I reached his house, I had no appetite to eat...not because I am throwing tantrums, but because I was feeling ill and nauseous.
I sat at another corner of his room sulking, and he had no heart to even ask.
He initally told me that I should rest at his house.
But he was hogging the bed with the body language like he didn't want me around,
and he was pissed at me raising my voice when he ordered something wrong.

I was having a shit day and I was sick of his coldness towards me.
And didn't help that he was not paying attention, and my throat was sore.

That I have to apologise.
But he probably thought that I was throwing some dumb girl tantrums,
and I really didn't like how he assumed I was so petty.

Everyone who knows me well will know that I am a low maintenance girlfriend / friend.

I thought that me being sick will get me extra attention even though I know he is tired from work.
I thought that he will feed me that flu pill he mentioned he had at home.
I thought that he would just put his hand on my forehead with much concern like back then...
I thought that he would at least give me a nice cuddle...

Some MCPs would say that I should reflect on my actions...
I would tell them to STFU.
Despite all these coldness I get, it has never deterred me from loving him with every bit of me.
I would still make him feel like I am a sweet girlfriend.
But I hardly get any reciprocation ever.

I felt so disappointed that there was no bloody difference whether I was home or at his house,
At least at home, my heart never breaks.

Tonight, I said I am going home.
He didn't stop me, opened the door for me and slammed it at me.

I walked the lonely path to the bus stop and went home crying on the bus.

I had never cried this hard since I was 14 and some guy dumped me over the phone for no bloody reason.

I don't mean to give him the silent treatment. But I am really too disappointed to bother to explain, or talk, or bother if he gets so freaking tired of me and he'll dump me.

Right now, my head is burning and it is making me dizzy...

All I seek is a little understanding.
I just gave up.

I know you are tired...

I am too.

Facebook SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY?

2010-04-09T12:52:00.001+08:00

Oh My God.

Facebook is pretty awesome.

Apparently my account was blocked out due to suspicious activity...

What a Captcha.

What 2pm plus from United States?!!!

I was sleeping my fat ass off then.

then they made me change my password...

But they eventually restored my facebook account.

Thanks FB.

Awesome.

Such smart measures won't be seen on other accounts back then.

updates:

WAIT.

Is this phishing?

Pancake Recipe

2010-03-19T02:03:00.002+08:00

Haha I know I am not exactly the best cook or what,
but I am pretty happy with my pancakes.

For the sake of myself,
I'm recording it down here...

The following is a mix of several different recipe sites,
and altered according to my experience.

What you need:
NOTE: This is for 2 person serving (roughly 6 of my ladle-scooped size pancakes) so 2x if you need more...

375ml (1 1/2 cups) full cream/ low fat milk
2 teaspoons (10ml) cognac/brandy
35g (2 tablespoons) sugar (icing sugar is smoother)
225g (1 1/2 cups) self-raising flour
1 standard egg
30g (1 1/2 tablespoons) butter (salted/unsalted), melted
a pinch of salt (I love salty.)
Melted or softened butter, for greasing pan (or you can use cooking oil)

I have provided the alternatives there,
but if you want it to taste better (less healthy) then you should chose the one I have listed first.

You may also need:

Flat frying pan
Spatula/tongs/chopsticks
Whisk/Fork (for mixing!)
Ladle (Scooping)
Mixing Bowl
1 Large Bowl
Sieve

Then you may start...

Defrost your butter, try not to use margarine or something I feel that it tastes fake. You can use microwave but really up to you. I steam it lol.
Measure out the flour and sieve it out with your sieve into the large bowl. (You could use the cup that your mom uses to measure rice!) [Add a pinch of baking soda if u want it more fluffy, i didn't]
Pour the measured milk into the mixing bowl.
Add the egg, sugar, (salt if you want), the dash of brandy and softened butter into the milk, and WHISK!
Add the milk mixture into the sieved flour...
Gently stir it with whisk, do not over beat or your pancake will be tough.
Pre-heat your pan, I don't really know when is good cos I have the Tefal 'red' spot indicator.
Let your batter sit while you pre-heat the pan. Maybe put a drop of water and see if it instantly evaporates :)
Oil your pan, or take a brush to line you whole pan so that it will not stick to the pan...
Scoop one ladle and pour onto your pan. You may want to use moulds, so don't make it too thick or it'll be hard to cook. Sometimes I make mickey mouse shapes.
...hmmm you can keep flipping but don't flip it when it still sticks to the base.
When the colour is 'right' then take it out, repeat from step 9/10 depending if you need oil or not.

Can check out some pictures of mine...

My milk mixture of salt, sugar, egg, dash of brandy and butter.

I poured the milk mixture into the flour...

If the heat is ok then the sides will bubble like instantly haha!

(I know I put too much oil.)

The colour of the pan facing side when you should flip...

Haha I like it more burnt...

You might want to serve it with a sparing amount of chocolate ( I melted van houton's baking chocolate), honey, macdonald's hotcake syrup...yadayada.

I like it with condensed milk or more butter!!!

Memories of The Last Decade (Part One)

2010-03-15T14:30:00.002+08:00

Hnmm...I guess I am almost 3 months too late for these sort of posts,

But just thought that I should record it down here,

My forgetfulness is getting infamous...

2000

age: 11 (primary 5)

Back then, classes were ranked according to numbers, and I have been placed in 1/1, 2/1, 3/1, and 4/1 throughout.

I had all Band 1s for my subjects except my much dreaded Chinese Language.

Because of this I was automatically nominated to be a prefect.

But Discipline Mistress decided I was too damn naughty to be a prefect,

not to mention that it was a rather social suicide to be one in my class/clique.

and cos of my Band 1s, I was also offered EM1, which I decided to opt out for several reasons:

My chinese sucked *HELLO?!!* and you want me to do HIGHER MOTHER TONGUE?
My 'clique' all went into the second class. OMFG. I don't wanna be in THE class of dorks (sorry to all my EM1 schoolmates hehe. YOU WERE DORKY don't deny it.)
I really hated those that went into the 'Humility' class cos they think they are too damn smart and they were really snobbish.
And the hate was spurred ALSO because there was this REALLY tall girl called Shereen or someshit like that who always told my mother how well she was doing, and my mom, in full blown jealousy and envy decided to hit me with anything she has on her hands.
My mom had traveling mates who had sons one year older than me, and they were ALL EM1 and did AWESOME at their PSLE, soaring over 260 aggregates, the point is they all looked really boring and I somehow believed that EM1 would make me gong gong or something. (SORRY you guys, hurhur.)
I honestly think I'd drop out half-way anyway, so rather then kena that unceremonious embarrassment, I decided to decline before my mom agreed. (Which got me a cane-fest.)

My school's sense of humour materialised in a way to make us kids more confused.

They decided that it was 'bad' or 'discriminating' to have numerals for classes, especially that then we had Streams (EM1, EM2, EM3)... So the Ones would be best, and so on and so forth.

So first class was 5 Humility,

Second was 5 Charity,

Third was 5 Faith...or something.

My batch had only 3 classes, so I cannot recall what they called those batches with 6 classes.

Ultimately, we'd still be competitive and have these discriminations.

What's worse, there was one asshole of a maths teacher that we nicknamed 'Bulldog' (some of you may recall) :D

She came into the class and told us that 1st class was humility cos they needed much of that,

second class was charity cos it was mainly kids who are doing well but lazy c

os they are pretty well to do and got overconfident that is why they needed to share their wealth or some shit.

(Pretty true enough, my classmates were all pretty well off)

Third class was faith because they needed to have faith to do well.

This was the Canossian Pinafore.

I can't give a rat's ass to scan my photo in.

I lied that I have Remedials/Supplementries even when I didn't have just to go to school really early to hang out with my then damn close buddy, Wanying.

We'd play floor ping pongs, pull stunts at the obstacle course, save frogs from evil fishes in the pond, and play that stupid blue/yellow computer in the canteen...

Most of my stooopid friends actually chose 'Librarian' as their CCAs cos "It was the easiest job..."
Wa lan...seriously mannnnnn.

But it's got its perks cos you guys get to play "The Magic School Bus" at IT sectors in the Library on a priority waiting list. I never really got bothered until you guys preferred that then play pranks with me.

Oh did I mention I wallop anyone I didn't like? Or give random treats to my clique?

and had a pen-pal who was a handicapped pedophile?

And also randomly texting some random boys from random boy schools,

and chee-honging random girls from girls school but hid it from my schoolmates cos lesbianism wasn't open back then.

(oh but a couple confessed their crushes on me though.)

Oh and Miss Goh our formT decided to torture me by making this slit-eyed girl named Giovanna sit beside me. I HATE HER?!

and I was resident prankster/class clown.

(So much for having clown-phobia lol)

I had a funny Charlie Chaplin routine that I barely recall,

But I remembered the happy laughing faces and the stitches my classmate and FormT had...

and structurised Teacher's Day prank on my FT till she cried in a bad way. (Can't rmb why tho)

Miss Goh called up my mom cos I wasn't doing homework, behaving, etc,

but she called at the time my mom was recovering from a major operation.

Miss Goh's look on her face when she learnt the fact was too damn obvious she was guilty.

So guilty that she tolerated all my bullshit later on. HAHA

(Anyway I like this Miss Goh. Nice to bully, and give us funny Tarepanda stuffs as reward.)

I was also at this Child-Care center in Eunos/Bedok and had awesome male playmates/buddies/knnbs. (Ya you OKM, & Rao Brothers.)

The food there is so damn awesome. I got fat of course.

Technically this is Gold Award

but I can't find any Gold Star images.

and it was this year that I was done with my Gold Star Swimming course.

Quite a feat I think.

Instead of focusing on my impending PSLE next year, I was preoccupied by random thoughts like these.

2001

age: 12, P6, PSLE, year of the snake.

whoohoo. Year of THE SNAKE.

It was a pretty big fucking deal cos, it was exciting. Whatever.

Do not question the logic of a kid.

Somehow I cannot recall as much as I did for the previous year...

But one of the bigger events is that my clique totally decided to out me,

I think it is because I flaunt my wealth and I am too damn act big.

Or something revolving a triangular-crush-jealousy system.

WHATEVER HAHA.

Turns out this horrid slit-eye girl MIRACULOUSLY became my confidant.

I think it is because Miss Goh made us write to each other or something,

this girl suddenly decided to pour out her sorrows about her ill mother or something...

and then we both got very personal.

When I was pretty depressed and in the verge of tears over the loss of my popularity and my clique, she was there to tell me the most matured stuff like...these aren't really friends.

(Hmmm. Food for thought.)

I was really too manly to cry and I tried really hard to hold them tears,

but I was glad I still had her.

From then on, I learnt to trust my secrets to only people who trusted theirs to me.

And these moments, Giovanna's family was not really doing well and I think she didn't have much pocket money because the STUPID Children's home she was in gave her a measly $1 everyday and sold her sentimental collections for profits.

I remember sometimes shoving her money or treating her to lunch.

And buying almost anything she'd liked.

Same for a lot of my other friends in that torture camp of a children's home.

DAMN FUCKED UP the place.

I was generally this nice, and that bad.

I did round up someone and kick her till I ended up in principal's office threatening to expel me.

Our form teacher that year was Mrs Geh.

She had married the guy who had the funniest surname, and still decided that kids should call her Mrs Geh. (Can you imagine if her husband was teaching us instead? XD)

That aside, she was a really awesome teacher and she was damnnnnnn well versed in English and Science. She had us remember certain 'default' ways to answer specific questions, and all that stuff.

That would be the basis of how I eventually tutor my students...

Can't really remember the details of my PSLE preparation, but mom was drowning me in assessments and she was a serial child abuser. Anyone who shielded me got caned as well.

That includes my grandmother and my then pregnant aunt.

After PSLE, teachers had us go through several etiquette courses that included how to sit like a lady, social dancing, line dancing, posture, poise, and even how we should wipe our vaginas (front to back RMB?)

and some pretty cool old flicks like 'Sound of Music' and 'My Fair Lady'

and TOO DAMN MANY religious movies that involves some Noah's Ark flooding action, Jesus sawing and filing wood...and mother mary getting 'impregnated' by Angel Gab.

We'd just sleep through it.

But I did appreciate it. Cos it gives me more knowledge to know why I hate certain evangelistic stuff.

Sit Like a Lady
by Elizabath Stone

Oil on Canvas
12" x 12"

I also challenged my teacher as to why we cannot sit like boys, why we have to 'be a lady', and why can't we run around the convent like boys do.

You may like to hear that back then we changed in our classes for PE, and girls with enormous boobies were made fun of, and I'd punch them.

Oh and this DOUCHE of a year, they decided to make us wear PINK PE tees just because the Hearing Impaired Sector wore the same white ones we did last year. Just to separate the kids.

It is not like they'd come over to our compound, and I DID NOT LIKE THE IDEA RANDOM BOYS WERE IN OUR LAND.

fucking hell. I like to run around with my pinafore skirts over my shoulders.

And I started to tell my mom I'm at this trusted friend's (Yee Loo) house and we'd go to places like Leisure Park for Arcades, Geylang Central neighbourhoods for bubble tea and shoot pearl trails, or to Mabel's house just for fun.

Kallang Leisure Park back then...

Gross bubble tea pearls.

But they charged the same without pearls so I might as well have it,

and shoot trails till I reach Mabel's house...

Oh at Mabel's, we'd do PARA PARA dance routines.

Either she or Maggie Goh had the DVD or something. It's pretty damn gay but I could do it damn best.

But strangely, I suck at those machines in arcades, therefore I made a statement that those machines were for Ah Lians. PERIOD. hurhur.

And this year marks the last year I'd be in Bedok Reservoir, AWAY from my childhood brudders.

Cos we're moving to Sengkang.

The renovations were pretty thrilling but my elder sister explained some stuff that I never understood.

These turned out to be the extravagant expenses that my parents spent on renovations instead of paying off entirely for the flat.

It was pretty cool some awesome schools offered me direct admissions due to my swimming and running achievements. (did I mention perfect NAPFA scores?)

My mom never really acknowledged my achievements because she'd always rather it academic than sports.

Why can't she understand that she was a track runner too and IT IS IN THE BLOOD.

We (my big sis n I) are not meant to mug lol.

Results came out and I got fucking 2 A*s and 1A, 1B (Chinese) but the total result was 229.

Fucking cheebye schools don't want me anymore, and I went into a neighbourhood school (Sengkang Sec) since anyway it is near and doesn't make a difference to my affiliated St Anthony's Convent. I WAS LAZY and dad can't fetch me to school anymore DUH.

I remember I cried pretty hard, and my mom didn't cane me for the first time.

Maybe I looked too damn pitiful...

and although my mom threatened to cancel our vacation (to somewhere I forgot, I think it's Shanghai or something), I learnt that she wouldn't because she'd have to pay forfeit.

BUT I AM SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THE TRIP

because her stupid colleague and her friends would ask me those DUMB questions like how I did, when my mom ALREADY told them.

I swear they just want me to relive my depressing moment and aggravate it.

And also to remind me that their kids are soooooooooo much better than me.

From then on, I CONDEMN ALL SPECIAL STREAM KIDS and their hao lian moms.

(apart from my childhood friend who is in Canada now, Sean. He is humble AND handsome.)

FUCK YOU, ya noe.

I found solace in a boy named Shawn who's my mom's colleague's sister's friend's son on last year's trip.

He didn't do SPECIAL streamed well and could pretty much relate to me.

The only thing that could save the bad 2001 vacation would be his company.

TOO BAD SHAWN ONG. YOU NBCB DIDN'T COME. :( VERY CROSSED, I IZ.

He totally ruined it by not appearing.

After I came back, I had to go through this torturous rite of passage that involves buying secondary school books, non-pinafore uniforms, FUCK-ugly green skirt and puke-yellow shirt of a uniform, and not to forget my mom love to buy 2 sizes bigger in hope i'd go into them...noo fucking way. I stopped growing by 11.

Haiz. And the new house smells depressing.

2002

age: 13, sec 1, sengkang sec.

HAIZZZZZZZ...I think I can only HAIZZZZZZZ.

I think cheena girls and cheena schools love dramas like how Taiwanese Idol dramas would have them.

The first day I unfortunately had to sit beside a major child-star of our era who'd become my bestest buddy today, that is Nicholas Lim. LOL at his 'armani' hairstyle LOL.

I'd say he is a Child Star cos he was the LEAD of a child series wayyyyy before this I Not Stupid hottie (can't remember his name) did.

He'd have cool excuse letters from stupid detentions & supplementary lessons.

One Word: FILMING.

walan eh. cannot describe how envious everyone bloody was I swear.

This guy became our class chairperson and I secretly hated him cos everyone else spoke cock english except a couple of us including nick. THIS MEANS WAR.

He was a serial BUAYA and by Orientation Camp, he was chee-honging 2 peer leaders (meaning seniors) at the same time and it was repulsive.

He had eyebrows in the shape of 八 (STILL DO!!!) and by the end of the 3 day camp, we had to HEAR rumours that he was already dating one of them. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK???!!!!

I had to use a black pen to fill some shit form and I didn't have one, and turned to the girl behind me to borrow, which was fatefully my dearest laopo forever Jazreel Ong Wei Ling.

I swear:

She look like pooh bear especially the eyebrows.

She was the most kuku girl ever and there were no similarities between us except we both were in the same class, stay in sengkang and wanted to join Track n Field.

Don't know why somehow we became friends.

I cannot bloody click with most cos I was speaking english, and people thought I was a snob.

I had to show that I am indeed bilingual so I spoke mandarin sooneth.

Not forgetting that it was getting irritating how people'd misunderstand that I am a malay girl.

You know how racist everyone is towards malay (sometimes even myself).

I understand you people.

I'd wish to talk about how I got attracted to this certain short but pretty boy in my class but I think he has this complex that when he chances upon stuff of mine like this, he'd think that I am not over him or some shit like that, but sometimes I just like to think back and there is no emotions attached to it. Which brings me, why the fuck I bother so much I should just talk about it no?

Haha. Anyway he was the main reason why after I got together with him, girls hate me and started to 'bully' me.

I just wanted to start afresh, no more bashing people, no more acting like gangster, cos this is not my land anymore, and acting tough do not get u popular in a neighbourhood co-ed school.

It is girly-cringe-worthy whines, megawatt blinks and push-up bras. Oh. AND BUCKETS of tears.

This was the year that i'd still be cringing at rumours of whoever who was holding her boyfriend's dick. HURHUR.

I'd like to have a fucked up mention about Nicholas and his brudder/boyfriend Vernon,

one day me and laopo jazreel went to Vernon's house cos of boredom and the boys forced us to watch PRON.

That was my FIRST time. believe it or not.

It was vile and forever made me terrified of porn.

It was this damn stupid video of this man putting his head in a vagina,

and this cartoon that involved this blonde slut in a red dress sucking cock in the backseat.

AND most traumatising of all: Jap girl kena raped. How can u guys like this shit.

Yes. I do not like porn. But I'd watch sexy classy ones like Dita von Teese now.

and then I got nominated and became a prefect. Ha. My friends all said I won't survive, but I did. 4 years.

Track n Field was torturous. Not fun yet. Jazreel wud pon it with me.

And eat chips at her house watching dramas on cable instead.

OH DID I MENTION HUIPING HAD LONG HAIR??!!!!

She looked like a senior I swear cos she so chao lao.

Somehow somewhere Yanping kinda quit her clique and joined me n my laopo now.

There are a couple of random friends that I got close with but I'd rather not mention because they are so ultra sensitive and would warp it into stuff like I was talking bad about them or some shit along that g-string strap-line thingy, so sorry. But you guys are not worth mentioning.

Oh and I had this 'SENGKANG Turtle' thingy.

It had me, Berlyn, Nicole, and Jingyi.

We stay so near we'd just hang out around our godforsaken Anchorvale neighbourhood.

Play badminton, block catching, lazing at nicole's house or play her ancient Play Station (I dono which version.)

BISHIBASHI & FLOORMAT BBR FTW!!!

Oo Chee Wei was the first guy EVER to profess or confessed damn loud that he likes me.

And during orientation camp, the worst food experience ever materialised in the form of black pepper chicken rice.

Cheewei saved me and my wife from this predicament by volunteering to devour the vile patties from hell.

THANKS! But affection abit too much and u look damn gay! HAHA

2003

age: 14, sec 2, age of innocence crash.

Much of my sec 2 memory was involving getting more active in Track n Field,

Yanping quitting Badminton to join T&F too,

HARDCORE Margaret tranings.

Grades were fairly well cos my aggregate was one of the highest in my school.

And mainly my life revolves around this short pretty boy and him dumping me and patching back again a total of 8 times until I gave up and think he never expected it.

He 'cheated' or two timed me 2x, but nearing the end we got kinda pretty serious, but I guess it's just physically.

Nevertheless I am grateful to his jerkassedness that I am now an impenetrable (no pun intended) girl, and I know what to do, and deal very very well with heartbreaks, relationships and sorts.

I was so all over this guy that I failed to notice the other guys who were harbouring crushes on me that were probably 100x more sincere than this pretty dude.

Chew Yong Hong wrote me my first Valentine's Day Love Letter just cos I asked him in jest.

It was the sweetest thing ever and my then bf didn't evn be fucked to do anything.

I had this habit of adopting sons and daughters every where I go,

as opposed to ah bengs having harems of God-sisters (gan meis).

I had this one son whom our form teacher put him beside me the previous year,

in hope I could help his english, while he help my maths.

Turns out his maths got worse cos of my infectious stupidity in maths and road recognition.

Even he got me something.

Too bad by sec 2 he had to go to Normal Stream probably because his English was not doing well and I honestly still blame myself pretty much.

I didn't have internet access back then and my laopo and xiao laopo yanping were telling me rumors that he'd put "love cynthia" as his msn nick and I never really believed.

Turns out it was pretty damn true but I was determined to make it clear he was just my son.

Anyway one fine day the pretty boy dumped me and this time I never wanted to go back cos it was enough drama for me. Yet I was pretty sad and heartbroken and I can't hold it anymore, I broke down in class, subtly.

Somehow only he seemed to realise after school.

He'd come in our class every day end of the lessons to find his buddies...

His buddies would make fun of his little crush on me.

This person kinda was my second worth mentioning boyfriend.

I think I was his first gf or something.

My friends'd recall this guy called Jonathan.

In a HUGE contrast to the previous popular -IT- guy boyfriend,

he was a fresh feeling to dates at secret hideouts near my house we named it "lake".

It was actually the end of the Punggol Canal haha.

I think he and the boys discovered it.

It didn't take long before I start bringing my SK turtle gang to there as well.

One bad thing was that there was no toilet there. UGH.

We'd dip all our legs into the dirty water till the knee,

and sometimes find condoms floating in the stupid water.

What's more stupid was we witnessed a dumb couple trying to 'free' their luohan fish into there. The luohan looked so pitiful and Jonathan wanted to take it home to heal it. But it swam away sickishly.

OH LUOHAN fish was the RAD trend then.

The boys'll talk all day about luohan fishes and chinese chess like uncles. hurhur.

Sometimes he'll come at late evenings to bring me to that place which we'd spend last few moments till I hit curfew time...now that I recall...

or wake up damn early in the morning and rollerblade to my house to sleep in with me at my place for the morning till we go to our random places later on.

It was SARS period and we had A LOT of holidays and were supposed to stay home but WHO BLOODY CARES HAHAH.

OH and the boys, esp Jonathan and Eugene will have death-matches to see who can make the most pebble skips.

and they even made a fortress like thing there with scrap materials.

made a trail of zippo fluid and burn the trail.

AND went to explore random other sites around that area.

I remember it was like hiking and we discovered a upstream drain,

and a strange place that had a charcoal drawing of an evil looking buddha right under the expressway.

You know what is so sad? The place is now where Sengkang Swimming Complex is.

and we can no longer access it. :(

OH anyway we got bored of each other or so it seems and we had a mutual break up for unknown reasons we cannot fucking remember.

and there was this other handsome dude that looked like liu wen zheng ,

his name is Wenkai. Everyone AGREES he is handsome lor.

I remember he did something stupid and Mr Albert Teo had him point middle finger at the national flag for the whole 2 periods. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHADAMNFUCKINGFUNNY

and he made this shenwei laoshi cry.

The Xiao Wei Singer, apparently.

I recall the whole class sang her the song "xiao wei" for her

and i was sitting there like an idiot,

THE ONLY ONE NOT KNOWING THE LYRICS FOR THAT SONG.

DUH! I am not cheena ahahahha...

OH and back then Jazreel had this scandal with this guy called LOONG BIN

Loong Bin was this Jonathan's buddy too.

Together with WeiLong the very buddha dude and Rich dude Eugene.

I swear LB was damn dorky but they had some chemistry or so it seems.

But even now Jazreel is terminally single, and since she is not lesbo,

she is definitely ASEXUAL like an amoeba.

I therefore hypothesize that she'll one day split herself and have a daughter named Jazreel II.

(she's always in love with guys on tv that she's never gonna get. hurhur)

2004

age: 15, sec 3

Hmmmmmmmm. By luck or by the bestowed powers of my track teacher in charge ms neo, me, yanping and jazreel got into the SAME pure science stream MIRACULOUSLY.

Jazreel earned her place but for yanping and me......not so sure....must be luck or ms neo's doing. I was quickly struggling in Maths subjects and I found a soulmate called Fiona.

Orlando Bloom is the BEST Legolas.

My pet name for her was Fiona the Freak(y) cos she was weird. Kinda like me but she was more socially uprooted. She was into drawing and art, japanese stuff and even LOTR!!!

Do you know how RARE LOTR fans are in cheena co-ed schools?

And I was seriously infatuated with inuyasha and I was so obsessed that I didn't need a boyfriend. HA.

We helped maintained each other's English because the rest were all speaking mandarin and it was deteriorating our English. I love to disturb and distract her all the time. And tell her she is too damn weird and all that. Turns out that I am equally weird and had more similarities with her than Jazreel. Just that I have better adaptability. HEHE.

(Fiona: Adaptability is a trait that will ensure the survival of my own kind! HEHE )

We were never really like great friends but it was fun to have someone weird fucked as me.

She had his horrendously LONG hair that was like a chinese calligraphy mop brush. But it seemed pretty well maintained by her though. Now she just looks blonde and punkish. heheh.

We'd talk about dorky stuff like manga, anime, j-rock pretty boys and songs... inuyasha, my obsession with legolas, LOTR, art, sketching, shading, greek mythology, tarot shit...you name it.

And Shuting. She was as bad as me academically. HAHAHA and stays near me.

That is why we are friends, study kakis, and crapomasters. FACE IT.

But it was never competitive, we'd try to do maths with Berlyn's help,

but we never really improve a lot.

We'll spend time at void decks talking cock and eating chips instead of mugging there.

oh and I was REALLY NEARLY retained. I was so terrified I would be put in Normal stream or my junior Wanli's class cos that is so paiseh and BULLSHIT. ugh. I PREFECT LEI.

And this year I dated Donna. It was pretty much the longest relationship for awhile till my ex broke the record.

hmmmmmm...I just want to say that although she looked like a butch she was not. I was wearing the pants most of the time, like fetching her to school.

and it was some freakish shit that is regards to her spiritualism.

Totally debunked all the scientific theories I had for those stuff.

Nothing beats witnessing it first hand from the supernatural magnet.

HAHA

2005

age: 16, O Levels year.

Hmmm. This year was good. I didn't have crappy relationships, nor good ones.

I was just busy...with friends.

Peer pressure will make u mug or at least.

I'd spend time going outside to seek companionship for mugging.

Well at least I didn't really do the mugging. I was just....dreaming lol.

and eating..........more chips.

Jiang Hua Yu!!!

Zhang min was my primary school vermin that got into the same class as me.

I'd credit her for her efforts to help me pass my chinese.

And, I got B4 which was like a PRETTY DAMN HUGE IMPROVEMENT from F9.

I entered this school with one of the best few aggregates but I exited it with one of the WORST results.

I am damn seriously jialat.

Everyone was LYING that they didn't study and all that shit.

But majority told me the truth that they did probably cos they figured I was not a threat.

I wonder if my mom was right about organising camps and track n field trainings were keeping me back. But I'd do it all over again.

Because of this I was able to win funny community service recognition too.

OH AND IT WAS THIS YEAR THAT WE LEARNT HOW TO PLAY MAHJONG FROM OUR MASTER, YANPING'S MOTHER!!!

Camp organising was DA BOMB.

Girl Guides Peifen and Yanting was the crazy energetic infectious laughter duo.

But not winning the original Energizer Bunny Me.

HEHE

It was not long until my laopo harshly presented the fact that I should open my eyes bigger,

and see that people are actually lying about not studying, or they are bad at some subjects, or have no tutor, and studying at void decks is useless.

She thus dragged me to her house and locked both of us in her study room and mugged the Ten Year Series away. (with torturous Jay Chou songs.)

How I survive my cheena friends without losing myself? Beats me.

I was glad to have pass my maths but I was disappointed with everything else.

And also proud of jazreel to do too damn surprisingly well.

She just fucking shot up. haha.

Haiz. Then Jaz, Yp and I went to yoshinoya and i'd cry about my results...

I guess I am never good with results ha.

dengue was here like bubble tea

OH and I think yanping kena dengue this year or something.

Damn suay. got O levels somemore.

She's already damn skinny then dengue her skin became too much but no meat.

I honestly thought she's so gonna die and I was pretty worried but the juniors were saying she is fine and gonna get discharged soon so me n jaz din get to visit her.

WELL I am not dramatic. We all know the fatalities of dengue fever.

Next time, don't buy house so damn near the longkang la! HAHa.

Speaking of which, we had this disabled classmate named Jessica.

Honestly she fully abused her disability and took our sympathies and kindness for granted.

Just because she is disabled then no one dares to tell it to her face.

We had to take turns to get her around school and all that shit and all she does is throw daggers at us. And her mom was vandalising our desks. Haiz.

She really has a bad attitude but we told ourselves that we should overlook it cos we can never understand her frustrations.

But even so, no one wanted to push her voluntarily and our teachers were very disappointed with us. She was as angry as a leprechaun i swear.

That is the TRUTH.

However she passed away a few years ago, and we felt guilty about the way we felt about her.

Almost the whole class was there to pay respects but jaz, yp and me.

Reason being, I don't wanna go there to be fake.

I think disabled people seek our help to be normal people,

and if normal people was such a pain in the ass, would they be let go?

I am simply viewing her as a normal person. She could have given a whisper of thanks or smile.

She never did. SHE DIAO US. Like it is our job.

I know, why can't I let it go since she is dead?

YES I am letting go just cos she is dead.

But I am not good with putting up a facade and walk around her coffin and act like I care.

At least for then, I couldn't bear to go there.

I was not her close friend or ever talked to her more than 3x anyway.

and my two wives didnt go either cos of me. sorry.

But I do wish that she'll prolly be in nice heaven or reincarnate into someone with less angst.

(To be Continued...)

Filial Piety My Ass.

2010-03-09T01:07:00.004+08:00

---

That aside...I have a really nasty mother who has just broke the news that my childhood savings account is left with a hundred, and asks me what I want to do about it.

The big deal is that, she has taught me the virtues of savings since young, every year during chinese new year, I would keep my stash of Ang Bao money carefully, and at the end of the whole festive season, I'd gleefully give my stack of notes arranged and clipped with a black clip to her to save up in my bank account.

Same deal with my scholarships from the government and clan associations that my dad was a part of.

And whenever anyone gives me money for anything at all, I'd do the same. Give my mother the money, and trust her for safekeeping...

When I hit 16, I started to do some office jobs. I asked her for my bank book ask I needed the account number to bank those cheques. She simply gave me my account number, and told me she does not trust me with my own finances.

Fair enough, my elder sister helped me to open an OCBC account. Since then I put my newer earnings into the OCBC.

Everytime when I get curious about how my childhood savings balance is doing, she will get pissed and said that I will show the amount off.

The most crapped up fact is that she has spent it all away.

She claimed that all the money was spent on my clothes and books, whatever.

!!!

My dad gives her extra money every year to buy us uniform, books and what nots.

and not forgetting that every month, he pumps $50-$100 every month into our accounts.

and Clothes and food are the stuff that she uses to threaten us with.

I'll give you an example:

"So you've grown up and your wings are hardened? Ready to fly off? I have wasted all my money on you then!"

Point is, she has been using my own hard earned money to waste on me.

And nowadays, when I confront her, she accused me of spending it all.

I have never held the bankbook nor atm card, how could I have spent it?

She claims that all these while I have been depositing in OCBC and not the childhood POSB.

That is BS because I used to not put it in OCBC due to peer pressure.

My friends all used the POSB accounts.

The more I talk about it everytime, the more anguish I feel.

I feel so helpless.

My boyfriend has this savings account that can sustain him when he is jobless,

and it is all not only from his scholarships, his parents saved him some money too.

I have a good look around his home and mine, mine is DEFINITELY more well off than him.

How is it that my parents have not kept me any money?

Why do I have to pay for my own education?

And why do I have to pay the rest of the HDB housing installment for my mother?

Why do I have to contribute to the pricey utility bills generated from her Korean Drama Marathons on the not-sure-how-many-inches-widescreen-LCD-TV.

Even my friends who are really poor with the last remaining parent lying and dying on their beds, scrimping up to get a decent laptop for their education. What did my mom do?

She goes on extravagant joy trips to Taiwan, Turkey, Mongolia, Hokkaido...list goes on.

In Hollywood, parents who corrupt on their kids' earnings were sacked from being their parents/ manager.

Good examples are Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen Twins.

I wished I could do that.

And I cannot stand goody good people coming to preach to me about filial piety.

I can find no love to support her old age later on.

I do not know what to do about her irresponsibility.

She's attending those stupid preachy Buddhist sessions that reminds me of pushy Christian evangelism. Sermons, cell groups...whatever.

I thought Buddhism is a way of life?!!

If she was sincere about it, she could just follow my dad's practices. He is the real buddhist.

She comes home and preach to me about values. Hur.

I wish I could do something about it.

Right now what I am worried is the amount of money my dad has kept aside for my teenage sister because he is hitting 65.

The account is with my mother.

Every time we ask her about it,

she ask us to not meddle in her business,

and get pissed.

I wish God can really save me. Is he even around?

Haiz....where is my money...

Every time I think of this...

I can't help but weep.

I don't know what title to give this post.

2010-03-09T00:20:00.002+08:00

I have been getting increasingly depressed silently,

not because I hadn't have enough money or that I don't have enough students to teach.

On the contrary, I got a new student recently, who is really keen to make his PSLE work out.

In comparison to my other students, he is pretty weak, doesn't have a good foundation for me to work on.

Problem is, now it is kinda late for 'foundationing'.

Nevermind that. But he is a joy to teach. He listens attentively and response whenever and sometimes it is really funny.

I'd love to say that it is adorable but I feel that for P6 boys, it might be a little bit demeaning because I think they'd want to be referred as 'cool' or 'cheeky'.

After all he is taller and bigger than me.

Kids, don't seem to be kids anymore haha.

I hope he does well and everything I teach him in the future comes to good use.

On the other hand, my other student who has been doing really well, with a constant A* grade through out, has been preoccupied with video games, TV and all that junk.

And this load of distraction has made him less focused, and things he do are always half-hearted.

It saddens me to know that all the efforts and battles we've been through will come to naught due to all these BS.

I really will not be surprised that eventually the new boy catches up with the old student.

---

What's really heartening to know is that this new P6 boy was introduced to me by the mom of my ex student who is Sec 1 this year.

And this same Sec 1 boy using all the bombastic words I've taught him previously on his facebook...regular usage!!!

Sigh.

It is so really nice to teach kids. I hope that I get a chance to do this full time...

But I got this gut feeling in me that tells me my grades will not be good enough,

and even though my ex sec school teacher has advised me to do contact teaching at my sex school, and then apply with experience, they are just going to judge me with my bad grades.

I am just REALLY bad with my own grades, my studies, but I dare say I have the gift of nurturing although sometimes (or most of the times) I am really just a bag of vulgarities.

To teach officially in Singapore you got to go through NIE, which is not a really tough place to enter...but my fears are...that I am never good with grades and similarly I am afraid I might not do well to go through it anyway.

Haiz.

How To Make A Chocolate Bouquet

2010-02-16T01:54:00.000+08:00

It's pretty sad, this year's Valentine's day clashed with Chinese New Year.
I hope most couples have celebrated before the actual day though.

There is no deny that everyday is a Vday, it doesn't matter.
But Vday is a special day, to do something more extraordinary for your special someone.

And being very anti-stupid girls who only demand things from their masculine partners
(like those who would 'plan' an elaborate birthday for their BFs but the BFs had to pay and buy charcoal)

I have decided to break the tradition and make my boyfriend's day.

My boyfriend is one extreme chocolate addict, and he hates flowers as present.
Not only are they expensive, they DIE, and they rot and become nasty.

I have this funny habit of buying guys flowers anyway, so I thought I'd make one.
Cos to be really honest, chocolate bouquets are WAY overpriced,
and anyone with sincerity would be able to make it. :D

Here goes:

#1: Choose your chocolate.

It doesn't have to be Ferrero Rocher (mine is 24pcs), but it is the most common one, reasonably priced.

I have seen bouquets made of Cadbury Eclairs, gold nugget chocolates, or whatever cheap imitations.

If you want high class then get some high class one then.

But remember to choose something that we can SKEWER through.

You can check out what the number of stalks mean here:

meaning or rose stalks

#2: Get the following ready.

Bamboo Skewers / Satay Sticks

Roughly 18cm

(I bought mine from Daiso $2)

Strong scotch tape (not those translucent ones),

Scissors, and Ribbon.

(I got my heart shaped one from Daiso but it is a bitch to tie up.)

Some wrappers.

Recommended: (1) Bouquet paper, (2) pretty wrapping paper

Bouquet paper are flexible, yet paper, and have nice textures.

My choice of wrapping paper is 'hologram cellophane' from Daiso.

It just needs to be pretty.

#3: Divide the pretty cellophane wrapper to palm sizes.

Alternatively you can get pre-cut ones or origami paper so you can save this stupid tedious step :)

#4: Fold in quarters to get the center point.

#5: Skewer through the point.

(TIP: Slow & Steady because sometimes the hole gets too big, we don't want that.)

#6: With the pretty paper in, poke through the Chocolate.

Make sure that it goes deep.

Don't worry about 'lao hong' cos the gold foil isn't doing that much of a good job either.

#6: Push the pretty wrapper downwards and twist it.

#7: Tape it (and the stick too), arrange it nicely. :D

(TIP: Don't worry if it is not pretty cos in the end, with the clutter it doesn't matter anyway.)

It should look something like this...

It will only get prettier...

and prettier...

as the number increases.

Remember to arrange them nicely at the same time.

Your bottom should look like this...

REMEMBER: Take a rag or hanky and wrap the bottom of the stalks and secure it with rubber bands,

because the ends of the stalks might go through the bouquet paper and it will not look good.

Wrap it like how olden chinese wrap their vats of rice wines with red paper.

With the same technique, open up the bouquet paper,

wrap the whole thing from its bottom, tie it with your fancy ribbon.

It should look like this:

Nice?

Here is a picture of my lucky bf.

You can check out my Facebook album for more photos and elaborate steps.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=4896137&l=6e71855578&id=768042305

Good luck. :D

Bizarre Dreams from Late Granddad May Mean Things

2010-02-08T18:52:00.000+08:00

Well so I have this kinda ability to channel my dead folks' words...
and a few days back I dreamt of my grand dad at a night over at my bf's home.

That night I dreamt that my grand dad was all dressed up
and he came to my poly to 'fetch' me home.

Like back then he'd dress up only during birthdays and travels,
he'll walk me around the neighbourhood to playgrounds hand in hand.

Similarly he held my hands and brought me home.

Strange, he could stand up and walk up really straight.
He was diabetic and his legs were no good.
The last time I recall him stand up straight was when I was 6.

He said nothing but just had that same tranquil smile.
Like in the past I'd look up and just smile back like this :3
Like a happy little girl.

Though I have grown to probably his shoulder height,
in my dreams I was almost same height as I was 6
but I am a grown person as I am now,
carrying that same old vintage flap bag.

I told mom and coincidentally,
they just went to pay their respects at his niche (also to grandma).

Coincidence?
I had too many of such.

Side effects of these dreams is that I don't sleep well.

and from the way he was trying to walk me back home,
I think I may have stayed out too often...

OOOOOOOOH Look who took pains with Photoediting to frame us :)

2010-02-05T05:11:00.001+08:00

I accused this dude of stealing my idea of a series of steps to come towards a real metal fest,

He decided to help me yea but conflicts started and he started acting bossy and all that shit.

LONG FAT ASS STORY.

But here is his weak proof that he did not steal it from me.

Ya so much pains just to try hide the previous metal allegiant myspace convos and sms chats regards to why I give up and told you that you cannot be Metal Allegiant Admin?

I lost them. If not I will paste them in your face.

I do appreciate all these months of trying to re-ignite my passion for the community,

and getting more members into my humble FB metal allegiant...

and trying to make the metal fest possible again,

and introducing me to the most awesome person that is my current boyfriend.

But this is it.

Your version

MY VERSION

Choose your camp wisely my dear friends.

For you neutral metal fans, ignore this if you can.

Copy your whole screen la cut cut cut.

Photoshop inadequate ah?

How Would Metalheads Save Princesses?

2010-02-04T13:47:00.001+08:00

That is if they even bothered to...

Have a good laugh :)
---

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her.Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duett by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly he swallows up the pipe and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell's eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes anobscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someones screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are
still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footman, war chariots and a dozen elite warriors and, as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him, he gets eaten. The princess
is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

[Source]

formspring.me

2010-01-13T17:33:00.005+08:00

Would you rather date a lot of different people, or be in a committed relationship?

As of now I am in a committed relationship and I actually do plan to marry. lol

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-13T17:33:00.003+08:00

How would you describe your style?

Fickle.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-13T17:33:00.001+08:00

Who's your favourite classmate outside your normal circle of friends?

Kinda confusing...I usually convert favourite classmates to friends so, I kinda don't like my classmates. Sometimes I don't even know their names even tho I like them lol

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-13T15:27:00.001+08:00

Would you rather have the ability to fly, or the ability to breathe underwater?

I should expect more out of my new super self.

Ask me anything

2009-12-14T12:44:00.000+08:00

HURRAH! HOLIDAYS ARE IN!!!

Review of Rudra's MV Premiere (through the senses of a non-extreme metal fan)

2009-12-08T11:18:00.000+08:00

Right, so I went to Rudra's Premiere with my boyfriend.

It was at The Substation's Black Box, and there was those removable staggered seats.

For a make-shift seating area, I thought it was pretty comfortable, with red fluffy cushions.

It was a relief for someone who has sustained damages from self-abuse through Run/Walk 10k Standard Charted.

We reached at approximately 5-10mins before scheduled time at 8pm.

There were a decent number of people at that point of time, and by 8pm to 8.10pm, thr crowd starts streaming in. It was a decent crowd for a Monday night, after all the tiring activities that one may have in the daytime. But not enough to pack it like a sardine :)

Soon after, the host started addressing the crowd, I thought he could have done a better job, rather than reading off the information sheet that were given to all of us. He committed a heinous error by addressing the Director of the MV Jacen Tan as 'Jacen Tay' haha.

Oh well, we're human after all.

Apparently not agreed in Rudra's MV, the characters were God-like. (Like duh, they are portraying Indian royals and legendary God etc.) A couple of familiar faces like the dude in Xanadoo (sorry forgot your name), and Joshua of Black Isle Studios.

They have even got help from professional dancers from Apsara Asia & Maya Dance Theatre, (Apsara as in gorgeous fairies, geddit?) and the short film/MV is entirely short against Green Screen. Special Effects are then added in.

In terms of a local MV, I think it is a big leap because I do not think most bands would have the reputation or budget, enough to get this kind of scale done. I bet the crew at Hosaywood must have sweat and bled in Rudra's MV. That's the brutal part imho.

Most of their actions were specially synchronised to make sure that they suit the designs of the special effects afterwards, that I would say is a mad-effort. But ups the passion.

Hmm, I kinda didn't really know what Rudra was singing about, maybe it was not English, or that I just can't pick up words from growls, and due to the unfamiliarity of the epic philosophical dialogue, I am not in any position to critique if the MV was directed well enough to portray the message. But what I get to understand from the MV was that the Prince seemed to be seeking advice from a higher being or maybe a sage? Definitely a reputable and respected figure, and it must be regards to the war.

I come to know that the Prince was in dilemma due to the ruthless unnecessary bloodshed, but I thought that his look of disturbia and reluctance was not very well carried across. I thought he looked fierce, but maybe not fierce enough.

Rudra is their usual performing self in the MV, I thought that there was intended disruption of many scenes repeatedly to create a sense of unrest in the video, and well of course, it's an epic battle scene so that, I thought was great.

On the aesthetic side I thought that the lighting was rather too harsh and there is a slight detail regards to the charioteer and the prince was not 'bouncing' when the chariot was drawn by horses. It was a little awkward.

Other than these minor details, I thought it was rather well-carried.

After the screening, there were the funny "The Making of" and it was nice to see how everything is done, and the funny things that were going on behind the scenes.

I personally feel that what needs to be added is the pains of the editing, production, even to the expression of how the band reacts to the final product.

Then again, it will add more effort to the already tiring project.

Check out Jacen Tan's other works at HOSAYWOOD.com

After which, Rudra performed a few of their more popular tracks, and we see a steady fence of fans surrounding Rudra, and I quote Kathi "You guys are intimidating me..." lol.

I'm probably gonna get bombed badly by saying these, but I just want to say it anyway.

I thought that the moshing and body surfing was one hell of retarded.

I mean some of you were moshing around like as if Rudra was playing some hardcore punk or something. I know you love to get the adrenaline rushing and what nots, but at least look at what is going on around you. Some few fuckers even shut their eyes.

The filming crew was around, many people trying to get proper coverage, some ah pek trying to get off his seat at the front row nearly got slammed by your insolent madness.

NEVERMIND THAT.

and to that retarded high heeled geeky girl at the back of the mosh pit, I think it is absolutely dumbfuck of you to not wanna get into the mosh pit, and yet stand so close, and keep pushing your male friend who was trying so hard to 'protect' you into the moshpit.

And what happened to moshing etiquette where you help the fallen ones to their feet? Why listen to metal when you just wanna get adrenaline rush by knocking the weaker ones over? What metal teach you to knock the weak ones over? Then why complain about the Man's oppression?

That aside, BODYSURFING in a small area? Look, the rest of the people after supporting the surfer dude, they kinda drop him to the back? omfg?

Seriously?

I am so fucking afraid that you will throw the surfer dudes onto the front man.

I don't give a shit how you feel that moshing is to metal gigs but I do feel that if we stand to love music that expresses the rage against oppression and unreasonable crap, I think we have the responsibility to portray that we are able to enjoy moshing in a violently-amiable manner. By helping your brothers in metal up and be careful where you mosh. And please body surf in a bigger crowd and not some small crowd that can't fucking support your ass. And people supporting, please handle surfer dudes with care.

Ok, so overall my experience was pretty good because the sound system of substation was pretty good and it was enclosed, not much decibel restriction. Too bad I can't get to see the band performing due to the 'wall of death'. But UPs the headbangers/windmillers, especially those with well kept manes.

But I stood to get coverage of one song, you guys can see it at:

http://todesengel89.blogspot.com/2009/12/rudra-music-video-world-premiere.html#links

Metal Horns as the most overused Symbol.

2009-11-24T12:25:00.000+08:00

Last week I was doing a Visual Communication module,
and the problem of the day was about Signs.

Signs are further categorised into 3 types.
Being Index, Icons, and Symbols.

Icons being something that are straightforward such as an image of you is yourself.
Indexes are like a few icons or symbols that you can relate to, combined to make a message, such as no smoking sign.
Symbols are like peace signs, dollar signs, even the metal horns.

To be really honest I was not in the best of moods because I lost my phone that day.
And I did not contribute, nor was my team's presentation focused.

However the reflection journal question was really interesting.
(Reflection Journal is RP's idea of homework via reflection, something like personal recap.)

---
Question:
In your opinion, which symbol is overused in the visual world around you? Elaborate on your answer.

Response:
I can't really decide which is the most, but smileys as symbols of happiness, the peace symbol, the skull as the symbol of death or anything morbid, but the most abused, misused and overused symbol has got to the the devil's horn sign used by many metal/rock musicians, and the non-metal/rock fans.

To a person who is a fan such as myself, I am very clear of its origins as much as the fans out there. The person who had popularised it is a legendary vocalist, Ronnie James Dio. He said that his Italian grandmother used to do that sign (thumbs in) to ward off evil. So as the sign got synonymous with his fame as a metalgod, many of the younger generations kept it well alive.

However I am regrettably in the 'bastardised' generation which abuses the symbol of metal. To start off, now rock musicians do it too. But that's not too far off. I see commercial pop artists pretending to be 'metal/rock'. A few blasphemous characters are Avril Lavigne (self-proclaimed 'punk princess' -seriously, what in the world is punk princess? An oxymoron I'd say), and the recently guilty RnB/Club Hit Rihanna.

Personally I am not against anything commercial, or radio friendly, in fact I do enjoy everything, but I do believe that for every symbol you use, or spot, you have to be responsible. Now those metal horns mean nothing as good as the past.

It is like the swastika. If one wear it, they have to be prepared to answer. Is it a buddhist symbol? Or a neo- nazi symbol that you stand for? If you don a pentagram, are you an occultist? I feel that symbols are not to be taken lightly, people think they are just signs or shapes, they can just spot it or just use it in their 'art' or what nots. As every symbol mean something(s), I think everyone is responsible to do a good research before utilising it. In case they give out the wrong messages.
---

The above pile of junk was written in an angst and combined with the rage of my absent-mindedness which resulted to the tragic loss of my beloved mobile phone.

It was not intended to be coherent but somehow the teacher awarded me with an A.

---

Hi Cynthia,

Despite having some prior knowledge in visual design, you kept up an active role in probing and inquiry in earlier meetings. Good work. From your probing, you would have realised how your prior knowledge alone is not sufficient to tackle a communicate role, but the background knowledge makes it easier for you to jump strat into analysis and critical thinking.

Much of presentation was spent on identification rather than analysing and presenting your argument.

A highly reflective journal, as you put forth a strong argument with evidence to support the various examples you have brought up. (Indeed, you should have seen how peace sign was EVERYWHERE in the 80s :P)Critical analysis.

---

I am a sooo 'tai-ko' lol.

But I was serious about that overused part.

I saved myself unknowingly.

'cos I'm fAWESOME

cynnedcynner.tumblr.com

Transitions...

Lament.

Small Gesture, Massive Impact

Does anyone know if Kelana Setia is a scam?

Over The Edge

Hallelu...YEAH BABY!

Bratty Blind Man

Better Blowjobs.

it's a vicious cycle.

thanks for curing my potential depression!

Human Jam

Life After Death ⚡

Twisted Logic: When's the best time to 'fuck around'?

Children need to be taught that there is nothing inferior about not having rich parents, and anyone can be a self-made man.

GOLDEN RULES...if you want to be my friend...

Timberland Boots are AWESOME as

>+ Less Than Positive

Congrats Egypt! 11 Feb 2011

What are your plans for Vday? (I am camping at the airport to wait for iron maiden lol!)

What do you hate most about Chinese New Year?

What are your favourite chinese new year snacks?

China's Unethical Imitation Eggs, Grapes and Large Intestines

Dragonflies in the Stomach

For No Fucking Reason!

"Oh, I attend the School of Hard Knocks, University of Life."

Suicide is a personal choice, no need for empathy and Death is just the beginning!

Death Dealing

LMFAO

Octopussy

Virginity

Egyptian Chips Taste Like Shit

Abandoning Friendship is easier than Abandoning Kinship...and i think my mom is a jerk on celebrations

Brat Mom

QR Codes are fun

Barbra Streisand!

Pastafarianism - A Religious Satire...

About Jerks and I am not anti-gay/lesbian.

'cos WE WANT IT BAD!

If Designers are Artists, so are DJs.

[insert some übercool photograph/picture]

-but I'm not gonna because everyone else likes to do so.

If Designers are considered Artists, then DJs are definitely Musicians. Stop being discriminatory, everyone.

Tackling that werid PSLE 2010 Science Question...

Boredom Induced Sexual Creativity Explosion

Bad Behaviour.

Shikamaru loves metal.

Enlightening words from friends of other religions...

Worst Dream of my Life.

I am barely home...

Zouk Direct Mailers

New Student from China...

MOH's Response to my Compliments Letter

Mom's birthday

An Organ Donor By Default

I'm tired too...

Facebook SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY?

Pancake Recipe

Memories of The Last Decade (Part One)

Filial Piety My Ass.

I don't know what title to give this post.

How To Make A Chocolate Bouquet

Bizarre Dreams from Late Granddad May Mean Things

OOOOOOOOH Look who took pains with Photoediting to frame us :)

How Would Metalheads Save Princesses?

formspring.me

formspring.me

formspring.me

formspring.me

Review of Rudra's MV Premiere (through the senses of a non-extreme metal fan)

Metal Horns as the most overused Symbol.

If Designers are considered Artists,
then DJs are definitely Musicians.
Stop being discriminatory, everyone.